Now (among the good deeds), We have enjoined on human is the best treatment towards his parents. His mother bore him in pain, and in pain did she give him birth. The bearing of him and suckling of him (until weaned) is thirty months, When he has finally reached his full manhood and reached forty years of age, he says: “My Lord! Arouse me that I may be thankful for all Your favors (life, health, sustenance, faith, and submission, and more) that You have bestowed on me and on my parents, and that I may do good, righteous deeds with which You will be pleased, and grant me righteous offspring (so that they treat me righteously, as I treat my parents). I have turned to You, and I am one of those who have submitted to You.”

Those are they from whom We will accept (their good deeds in a manner to reward them in accordance with) the best of what they ever did, and whose evil deeds We will overlook, (and include them) among the companions of Paradise. This is a true promise which they have been given (here in the world). (Ahqaf 46:15-16)

One point that should be emphasized here is that while both parents are given importance, the mother ranks before the father in Islam as far as their children are concerned. Prophet Muhammad said: “Paradise lies under the feet of the mother.” However, fathers are never ignored: “The contentment of the father is the door to paradise.”

The teachings of Jesus are no different. The Qur’an describes the miracle of baby Jesus speaking out to prove his blessed mother’s chastity; when Jesus mentions God’s blessings on him, he also emphasizes the importance of being good to one’s parents: …And (God has made me) dutiful towards my mother, and He has not made me unruly, wicked. (Maryam 19:32). Also, one of the Ten Commandments says: “Honor your father and your mother” (Exodus 20:12). The word “honor” cannot only be defined as feeding parents, clothing them, and helping them get from A to B, because these are acts of charity usually reserved for homeless or poor people. “Honor” means to prize highly, show respect, glorify, or exalt.

From the very moment of conception, and as the child grows and develops it is a duty and responsibility for the parents. It is not possible to estimate the depth of attachment or compassion parents feel for their children nor to calculate the troubles or hardships they undergo as parents. For this reason, respecting the parent is not only a debt of human gratitude, it is also a religious obligation.

Those who can value their parents in the correct way and who regard them as a means for obtaining the mercy of God are the most prosperous in both worlds. Those who, in contrast, regard their parents’ existence as a burden on themselves or who become wearied of them are unfortunate people who will inevitably suffer the severest hardships in life.

The more respectful you are to your parents, the greater the respect and awe you will feel before your Creator. Those who do not feel or show respect to their parents have no fear, awe, or respect of God. However, it is a curious thing that today that it is not only those who are disrespectful to God who fail to show respect to their parents, but also those who claim that they love God. As Martin Luther expressed, we must respect and love God so that we will neither look down upon our parents or superiors, nor irritate them, but rather we will honor them, serve them, obey them, love them, and value them.

The importance of respecting parents, however, extends beyond social welfare to the very welfare of society itself, as the family is the basic unit of society. Just as a body’s health is dependent on the health of the cells, so the vigor of a nation, the body politic, is directly related to the health of the families that make it up. Families form the foundation of a society. Where there is reciprocal respect of rights and obligations within a family, the society will be healthy and strong. It is vain to look for compassion and respect in society once these have been lost.

Fethullah Gulen refers to this neglected value in the following words:

How we treat our parents can be taken as an indication of how our children will learn to treat us. Obviously, we too hope to become old. If we do not honor our parents, then in keeping with the maxim: “let the punishment fit the crime,” our children will not be dutiful towards us. If we treasure life in the Hereafter, this is an important treasure for us: let us be dutiful towards our parents and win their pleasure. However, if it is this world that we love, still let us try to please them, so that through them our life will be easy and our sustenance plentiful. If we want the mercy of the Most Merciful One, we should be merciful towards those in our house who He has entrusted to us.

There are different types of parents, but regardless of how they treat their children, they are still parents. Parents make mistakes too, but that does not decrease their value. While we are still under parental guidance we have to follow what they want, even if it goes against our heart. When we are standing on our own two feet, then we have freedom, but we still have the responsibility to respect our parents. We have to examine the situation, rather than concentrating on our own satisfaction. We have to be kind to our parents, because most of the things they do are for us. Today it is likely that parents are more neglected than in any other period throughout history, even though modern life has provided us with more and more comforts.

Said Nursi drew attention to another aspect of the issue in his Gleams:

There have been many experiences that have given me the certain conviction that, in the same way that infants are sent their sustenance in a wonderful fashion by Divine Mercy because of their impotence, flowing forth from the springs of their mothers’ breasts, so too the sustenance of the believing elderly, who have acquired innocence, is sent in the form of miraculous abundance. The part of a hadith which says, “Were it not for the elderly with their bent backs, calamities would descend on you in floods,” makes clear that a family’s source of abundance is the elderly among it, and it is the elderly who preserve the family from the visitation of calamities.

Since the weakness and powerlessness of old age are the means of attracting Divine mercy to this extent; since the wise Qur’an through the verses – Should one of them, or both, attain old age in your lifetime, do not say ‘Ugh!’ to them (as an indication of complaint or impatience), nor push them away; and always address them in gracious words. Lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy, and say: “My Lord, have mercy on them even as they cared for me in childhood (Isra 17: 23–24),” calls children, in the most wonderfully eloquent fashion, in five ways to be kind and respectful towards their elderly parents; since the religion of Islam orders respect and compassion towards the elderly; since human nature also requires respect and compassion towards the elderly we elderly people certainly enjoy, in place of the temporary physical pleasures roused by appetites of youth, substantial, continual mercy and respect from Divine grace and human innate feelings of tenderness, and the contentment of spirit that arises from such respect and compassion. This being the case, we should not wish to exchange this old age of ours for a hundred youths. I can tell you certainly that if they were to give me ten years of the Old Said’s youth, I would not give in exchange one year of the New Said’s old age. I am content with my old age, and you too should be content with yours. (Twenty sixth Gleam, ninth hope)

Elderly believers are more deeply aware that the true abode is the eternal one, and turn to God with sincere devotion. Therefore, they present an example to the younger generations with their piety, wisdom, and tolerance. In short, even though we respect our parents for the sake of God, observing their rights and caring for them not only leads to eternal happiness in the Hereafter, but it also provides us with such an inner peace no worldly pursuit can bring. To put it in religious terminology, abiding by the divine commands results in saadat al-darayn-happiness in both abodes.

References

• Adil, Furkan, Kudsi İki Varlık: Anne-Baba, İstanbul: Rehber Yayınları, 2008
• Gönüllü, Ömer Said, “Ebeveyn Hukuku ve İnsan Olma,” Sızıntı, Issue: 298.
• Gulen, Fethullah, Fasıldan Fasıla 3, İstanbul: Nil Yayınları, 1997.
• Luther, Martin. Martin Luther’s Large and Small Catechism. Translated by F. Benteand W.H.T. Dan. Sioux Falls, SD: Nuvision Publications, 2007.
• Nursi Said, The Gleams, “Solace for the Elderly,” New Jersey: Tughra Books, 2008.
• Taiwo, Niyi. Respect: Gaining It and Sustaining It. Philadelphia, PA: Xlibris Corporation, 2007.
• Unal, Ali, trans. The Qur’an with Annotated Interpretation in Modern English, New Jersey: The Light, 2006.

Despite the improvements, increased age, in general, coincides with an increased incidence of both mental and physical illness. This is made worse by a weakening of social contacts and a reduction of income. Thus increasing age is also characterized by a dramatic increase in the use of health and social services. The older the person, the more likely he or she is to be admitted to hospital and the longer the stay.

The increasing demands on the hospital service have not been met by an increase in the total number of hospital beds. Medical and surgical treatments previously thought to require a three- or four-week stay in hospital are treated within a week or ten days. Also more work is now undertaken in the outpatient department on a day-care basis without overnight stay. Many medical cases previously requiring hospital care are now dealt with by the family doctor with the patient at home.

The whole concept of care has changed dramatically in recent years, and this has affected the caring approach in hospitals, residential homes and in the community. In the past, caring involved an active carer looking after a passive patient. Although it seemed quite natural to look after the sick and disabled in this way, the process produced too much dependence of the patient or client on the carer. The modern approach in health and social services is a process of enabling. Carers enable patients (or clients) to do as much as they can for themselves. This approach reduces dependence and keeps down the total level of care required.

The idea is that illness is best treated at home, if possible. The new legislation on community care, which took effect on the 1st April 1993, is based on this principle. Pain is a burden on oneself, and being removed from home and family to the strange environment of a hospital ward adds to the stress. This is especially so for the very young and the very old.

However, not all homes are the most satisfactory places in which to be ill. Many lack the basic amenities of hot and cold water, indoor lavatory, and satisfactory heating. Also there may be no relative or friend to do the caring,-to prepare food, ensure and maintain good standards of hygiene, and to offer companionship. Often the problems can be overcome to a certain extent by the use of voluntary help from religious groups and the agencies of the Health Service and local authority (e.g. community nurses, home helps, and ‘meals on wheels’).

At present only about 6% of all elderly people are in institutional care of some sort (hospitals, residential homes, and private nursing homes). Even this small percentage imposes very heavy burdens on these institutions; present resources are simply not enough to meet even a small increase in numbers. There are waiting lists for most institutions caring for the elderly.

A further 12% of the elderly are enabled to manage in their own homes, with the help of the care agencies already mentioned. The new community care programme strongly encourages such help in the home. Only a reduction in the proportion of very old people in the total population and a healthier elderly population would result in some easing of the problem.

Care on a self help / family / neighbourhood basis backed up by the provisions of the health and social services appears to deliver good results. When husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, friends and neighbours, are involved together in the process of caring for the elderly, a very good sense of community develops. Children in particular have a special responsibility towards their parents. God says in the Qur’an:

Your lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, and that you be kind to parents, whether one or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honour. And, out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility and say: ‘My lord! bestow on them Your mercy even as they cherished me in childhood.’ (al-Isra,17.23-4)

26% of elderly people have no children at all and so are especially vulnerable in times of crisis. In other cases the children may exist but are so far away as to be unable to help. Regular help to the elderly is best given by relatives, neighbours, and friends-shopping, housework, house maintenance, gardening and social visits. However, statutory and voluntary services are still required to take over-or at least plug the gaps-if the task proves to be too great for the community. It is, of course, best for society if people learn to care for one another in their own homes. 

The quality of the services provided by the welfare state depends upon its level of prosperity. For this reason, welfare states came into existence in industrialised countries before developing countries. Where these states have been economically and politically stable, improvements in social welfare have been made. However, there has been a claim that in recent years the concept of the welfare state is in crisis and that in practice governments have been unable to meet the needs of vulnerable people adequately. Welfare pluralists have claimed that the welfare state has failed to meet needs and provide services. They assert that the state must withdraw from direct provision and recognise the potential of both the family -especially in providing personal social services, and the voluntary sector. With the provision of services transferred from the state to the community, the cost of social services will become less and effectiveness will increase. However, will ‘the community’ shoulder this responsibility? Can the family be expected to meet the needs as effectively as welfare pluralists envisage. There are serious doubts whether a well formed family structure neighbourhood actually exists.

‘The community’ is now seen as the main source of care for vulnerable people. ‘Community care’ implies ordinary members of local communities such as families, neighbours and friends providing help and care for those who are in need.

Abrams (1977) defines community care as the provision of help, support and protection by lay members of societies acting in everyday domestic and occupational settings. It is possible to say that community care is care provided by the community itself.

The community is composed of families, neighbours and friends. Most of the care for the elderly and for children is provided by families and relatives. Only a limited number of elderly people, children or the disabled are cared for by the statutory voluntary organizations; the rest are looked after by their families and relatives and to a limited extent by neighbours and friends. In the United Kingdom during 1987 fewer than 243,000 out of a total of 8,6 million people aged 65 and over were resident in local authorities’, voluntary organizations’ and the private sectors’ homes. This means that only nearly 3,5% of the total number of elderly people were living in institutional homes: The rest of them were either taken care of by their families or were trying to cope with living on their own.

If the burden of social services provision is to be shouldered by the community, can families, relatives or neighbours manage to act as a realistic substitute for the welfare state? Can they meet the expectations of the welfare pluralists?

In today’s industrial societies most relationships are based on reciprocal interests. Individualism is at its highest level. The ties of kinship and family are withering away. Social and moral values are being undermined. However, as Abrams (1977) points out, the effective social bases for community care are kinship, religion and race, not ‘the community’.

Although the family is seen as the strongest and most reliable source of care, it is at present undergoing severe problems, particularly in Western societies. The family is affected by a number of social and demographic factors, the most significant ones being: the age structure of population, its marital structure, the size of the family and the changing roles of the family members (Nissel: 1980).

The population is ageing. The number of elderly in need is increasing and the level of provision is decreasing. On the one hand number of the people dependant on family care is increasing and is likely to continue increasing; on the other, the number of carers is declining because the idea of having a family is disappearing and the size of the family is getting smaller. Birth rates decreased from 84,3% in 1971 to 64,2% in 1990 in the United Kingdom and the percentage of births outside marriage rose from 8,1% in 1971 to 30,3% in 1990 (Social Trends, 22:1992). This may mean that there will be fewer potential carers when the present generation of parents reach old age (Johnson: 1990). The family is also faced with a changing marital structure. There are increasing numbers of one-parent families caused by separation, divorce and deaths. Many of these single parents have young children. Divorce affects the care negatively; the estimated number of divorcees in Great Britain was about 517,000 in 1971 and increasing to 2,374,000 in 1988 (Social Trends, 20:1990).

Another set of demographic and social factors that affect the relation between the family and the welfare state is the change in household structure. It would be argued that women are more likely than men to be the carers of the family. This is because women have been seen traditionally as the main people responsible for the care of children and the elderly, while the men have been seen as the bread-winners working outside of the home for the family. However, during the last two decades this situation has changed in Western societies. Although most of the family-based care is shouldered by women, the number of women in the labour force has been increasing. According to the statistics, there were 9,3 million women in the British labour force in 1971 and to 11,8 million in 1988. It is also projected that there will be 12,7 million women working in the year 2000 (Social Trends, 20:1990). The number of working women is likely to continue increasing, and as a result this may mean that the care provided by women is likely to decline.

In today’s world, particularly, in Western industrialized societies, the family has gradually been losing its strength and increasingly unable to perform its functions. It may be true to say that we now live in a world where family, social and moral values are being slowly destroyed. Policy makers, politicians and religious scholars are worried about what should be done to avoid the impending consequences.

How can men and women be encouraged to stay in marriage? How can their children be motivated to care for their frail parents? What are the motivations that keep the society in order and ensure that its members help each other? How is altruism managed in societies where individualism exists? How can social solidarity be re-established? There are many other questions; however, most agree that the main problem is with the social and moral values of society.

In recent years, the managers of the welfare state have found it difficult to meet the needs of its ever increasing number of vulnerable people due to high costs, ineffectiveness and lack of resources. This has led them to try to shun all responsibility for provision of services and to put the onus on us ‘the community’.

However, as society as a whole changes, relationships between children and parents, between families, between neighbours are changing. People’s behaviour in a society is usually formed by their social position and by the moral and religious beliefs with which they have been brought up. It may be impossible to expect people to take care of others especially those who are in need, if they do not feel that they should do so. In today’s societies it is clear that most of the elderly parents are not looked after by their children and they have to cope with living on their own which they usually cannot manage. Most neighbours are also reluctant to get to know each other.

We can conclude that societies need to be supported by strong social and moral values which form the norms of social behaviour. Only then people will try to behave as they are expected to as human beings. In this context, I will leave you with the words of the Messenger, upon him be peace:

‘None of you truly believes until he wishes for his brother what he wishes for himself’, ‘He who does not care about his neighbour’s starvation, while he is in wealth, is not among us’, and ‘He who desires that he be granted more provision and his lease of life be prolonged, should treat his kith and kin well’. 

References

• ABRAMS P. (1977) Community Care: Some Research Problems and Priorities Policy and Politics No.6
• JOHNSON N. (1990) Reconstructing the Welfare State Hertfordshire: Simon&Schuster Int.
• NISSEL M. et al. (1980) The Welfare State-Diversity&Decentralisation, London, PSI
• Social Trends 20 (1990) London Central Statistic Office
• Social Trends 22 (1992) London Central Statistic Office
• SPICKER P. (1988) Principles of Social Welfare, London, Routledge
• WALKER A. et al. (1986) The Debate About Community, London PSI