When I was twelve, I spent a summer in a small town where my family owned a grape farm. The vineyard stretched across rolling hills, its vines heavy with deep purple grapes—a place of beauty, but also of hard work. That summer, I learned a lesson about teamwork that has stayed with me ever since.

One morning, my father announced it was time to harvest. He gathered the family—parents, siblings, cousins—and assigned us roles. The older cousins cut grape clusters, while the younger ones, including me, collected them in baskets. My parents and aunts carried the baskets to storage, where my grandfather inspected the grapes for quality.

At first, I thought my job was easy: just pick up grapes and fill the basket. But as the sun rose, the heat became unbearable, and the baskets grew heavier. I lagged behind, and the pile waiting to be collected grew. Seeing my struggle, my older cousin offered to switch roles. I hesitated—I’d never used pruning shears—but with his encouragement, I tried. To my surprise, I enjoyed the precision of cutting, and my cousin’s quick hands made collecting easier. By day’s end, we had finished the harvest. I realized teamwork wasn’t just about doing my part, but about adapting, supporting one another, and working together.

That summer taught me that teamwork isn’t just about dividing up tasks—it’s about understanding each other’s strengths, stepping in when someone needs help, and sharing in the achievement together. The experience of working alongside my family in the vineyard planted a seed of understanding that continued to grow over the years. Later, when I read Jon Gordon’s The Power of a Positive Team, his message that “no one creates success alone” immediately brought me back to those hot summer days in my hometown. Gordon’s insights, along with the timeless prophetic teachings, all point to the same truth: when we work together with a shared purpose—whether in families, workplaces, or communities—not only do we achieve more, but we help lift one another up along the way.

The foundation: no one succeeds alone

Gordon’s foundational premise is simple yet profound: “No one creates success alone. We all need a team to be successful.” He illustrates this with examples ranging from Super Bowl-winning teams to groups launching rockets into outer space or performing open-heart surgeries. My vineyard memory echoes this: without my cousin’s willingness to switch roles, the harvest might have faltered.

This principle finds a powerful parallel in the life of Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), particularly in the construction of the Prophet’s Mosque (Masjid an-Nabawi) in Medina. After the challenging migration from Mecca, the Prophet faced the monumental task of uniting a fractured community. He didn’t assign the work to just a few skilled laborers; instead, he mobilized the Muhajirun (emigrants) and Ansar (helpers) into a cohesive team. Historical accounts, such as those from Ibn Hisham, describe him carrying bricks alongside his Companions, his hands dusty with the same labor (Ibn Hisham, 1955). This act wasn’t just practical—it was symbolic, forging bonds of trust and solidarity. The mosque became more than a place of worship; it was a hub of education, governance, and charity, a testament to what a united team can achieve.

The Qur’an reinforces this in chapter as-Saff (61:4) by illustrating the image of a team standing shoulder-to-shoulder, each member integral to the whole, like “a well-compacted building” (Unal, 2006). This wasn’t abstract theology for the Prophet; it was a lived reality. When a Companion suggested using a palm trunk as a pillar, the Prophet listened, adapting the plan collaboratively. This spirit of collective input mirrors my cousin’s suggestion to switch roles, showing that great teams thrive on mutual support and flexibility.

Gordon emphasizes that building such teams requires purpose, passion, and commitment. He wrote The Power of a Positive Team for teams to read together, fostering a shared understanding of what makes them great. This resonates with the Medina community’s collective ethos, where every member—from the poorest laborer to the Prophet himself—contributed to a vision beyond individual gain.

The power of positivity

Gordon’s second key insight is that positivity is a superpower for teams. He rejects “Pollyanna positivity”—a naive optimism that ignores reality—in favor of a gritty, purposeful optimism that confronts challenges head-on. John Gottman’s pioneering research on marriages offers a compelling parallel to team dynamics, showing that a five-to-one ratio of positive to negative interactions predicts success (Gottman, 1994). Through decades of observing couples, Gottman found that thriving relationships don’t eliminate conflict but overwhelm it with positivity—moments of kindness, appreciation, and support. When positive exchanges outnumber negative ones (like criticism or contempt) by at least five to one, couples build resilience, trust, and a buffer against stress. Below this ratio, negativity erodes connection, often leading to divorce. This “magic ratio” underscores Gordon’s point: positivity isn’t just feel-good fluff—it’s a measurable force for winning. In teams, as in marriages, frequent affirmations and constructive energy can transform challenges into opportunities, fostering unity where pessimism might fracture it. Gottman’s insight bolsters the idea that positivity, applied consistently, is a practical strategy for success across human endeavors.

During my sophomore year of college, I joined a group project in a literature class that quickly turned chaotic. Our team of five was tasked with analyzing a novel and presenting it to the class, but we couldn’t agree on anything—themes, roles, or even meeting times. Two weeks in, with the deadline looming, frustration peaked, and we were on the verge of giving up. I remembered my vineyard days and suggested we pause and share one thing we each liked about the book. It felt awkward at first, but as we talked, the mood shifted. One teammate, usually quiet, lit up discussing the protagonist’s resilience, sparking new ideas. I proposed we focus on that theme, and suddenly, roles clicked: he researched, I wrote, others handled visuals. Our presentation wasn’t perfect, but we delivered it with enthusiasm, earning praise for our unity. That experience taught me that positivity isn’t ignoring problems—it’s finding a spark to reignite the team, turning chaos into collaboration.

Gordon shares stories of teams he’s coached, like the Atlanta Falcons under Mike Smith, who adopted a “No Complaining Train” to maintain morale during grueling seasons. This practical application of positivity shows that optimism, paired with action, builds unstoppable teams.

Transforming negativity: a collective responsibility

Positivity isn’t passive; it requires weeding out negativity, Gordon insists. “One of the biggest mistakes teams make is that they ignore the negativity within their team,” he writes. He recounts working with the Jacksonville Jaguars in 2007, where Coach Jack Del Rio used The Energy Bus to confront “energy vampires,” leading to a playoff run. Similarly, Mark Richt at the University of Georgia curbed negativity with an “energy vampire” wall, turning a losing streak into ten consecutive wins.

The Prophet faced a parallel challenge during the Treaty of Hudaybiyyah in 628 CE. When the Quraysh barred the Muslims from Mecca and imposed a seemingly humiliating truce, Companions like Umar ibn al-Khattab voiced frustration (Ibn Hisham, 1955). Rather than reprimand them, the Prophet listened with empathy, explaining that God’s plan would unfold. His calm transformed their doubt into acceptance, and the treaty later enabled Islam’s peaceful expansion. Gordon’s three-step approach—confront, transform, or remove—mirrors this: transformation is ideal, but removal may be necessary.

Fethullah Gülen’s philosophy of service (hizmet) complements this: “A community that seeks to serve others must be a garden of positivity, where each member uproots the weeds of envy and plants seeds of compassion” (Gülen, 2004). In my vineyard, my cousin’s willingness to switch roles weeded out my negativity—my fear of failing—and fed my confidence. Gülen’s metaphor of a garden aligns with Gordon’s “weed and feed” strategy, emphasizing proactive cultivation of a positive culture. Gordon shares a school principal’s story: a negative teacher resigned, overwhelmed by a relentlessly positive staff.

A few years after college, I volunteered to help organize a fundraising gala for a local nonprofit. Our small team was passionate, but as the event neared, tensions flared. One member, usually reliable, grew pessimistic—grumbling about low RSVPs, tight budgets, and even the venue’s lighting. His negativity dampened our meetings, and others started doubting we’d pull it off. Reflecting on my vineyard days, I decided to shift the vibe rather than let it fester. I invited him to grab tea after a planning session and asked what was weighing on him. He confessed feeling overwhelmed by outreach calls and feared we’d fail. I suggested we split his tasks—another teammate took half his list. He softened, even laughed, and at our next meeting, he arrived with a list of confirmed donors instead of complaints. The gala went off beautifully, raising more than our goal, and our team bonded over the win. That experience taught me that negativity isn’t the enemy—it’s a signal. Listening and tweaking roles transformed his frustration into fuel, proving a team can thrive when we lift each other up.

Practical tools for a positive culture

Gordon offers concrete tools, like the “No Complaining Rule,” where complaints must come with solutions. Michael Phelps’ Olympic swim team enforced positivity, enhancing their 2016 Rio performance. Said Nursi’s Risale-i Nur adds a spiritual layer: “Complaining about the decree of God is a veil over the beauty of existence. Instead, seek the wisdom within it” (Nursi, 1996). During the Meccan boycott (617-619 CE), Prophet Muhammad rallied his clan to share scarce resources, reframing starvation as a test of solidarity (Al-Haythamī, 2000).

In my vineyard, if I’d complained without adapting, the harvest might have stalled. The “No Complaining Rule” echoes Nursi’s call to focus on wisdom, pushing teams toward solutions.

Positive conflict: strength through trust

Gordon clarifies that positivity doesn’t mean avoiding conflict. “Positive conflict” strengthens teams when rooted in trust and respect. Writing partners Brian Koppelman and David Levien debate ideas constructively, as did volleyball stars Kerri Walsh Jennings and Misty May-Treanor. Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) mediated between the Aws and Khazraj tribes in Medina, turning decades of enmity into alliance through dialogue (Ibn Hisham, 1955). Gordon notes, “If there’s no trust, respect, and love, the conflict hurts the team.” My cousin’s trust in me to cut grapes, despite my inexperience, turned a potential clash into collaboration.

A spiritual and practical synthesis

Cultivating a positive culture weaves together practical and spiritual threads, offering lessons for diverse teams. My vineyard lesson taught me adaptability and support; my college project showed positivity’s spark in turning a failing group into a united front; and the nonprofit gala proved empathy transforms negativity, yielding a successful event that uplifted our community. Gordon’s framework—emphasizing unity, positivity, and proactive negativity management—provides a practical structure for these experiences, while the Prophet’s examples offer timeless inspiration. The Qur’an’s call to stand as a “well-compacted building” (61:4) and promise of “ease with hardship” (94:6) infuse these efforts with divine purpose, while Gülen’s vision of compassionate service and Nursi’s reframing of challenges deepen their spiritual resonance.

Nonprofits, in particular, stand to benefit profoundly from this synthesis. My experience with the gala illustrates how Gordon’s principles—listening to transform negativity, fostering unity, and maintaining optimism—can turn a struggling team into a force for good. Nonprofits often operate with limited resources and high stakes, relying on volunteers and staff united by a shared mission, much like the Prophet’s community in Medina. By adopting tools like the “No Complaining Rule” and embracing positive conflict, they can maximize impact—whether feeding the hungry, educating the underserved, or healing the sick—mirroring the mosque’s role as a hub of service. Gülen’s hizmet ethos further aligns here, urging nonprofits to cultivate positivity as a garden of collective action, amplifying their ability to serve humanity.

This is a blueprint to build teams—families, workplaces, or organizations—that reflect unity in diversity. Whether harvesting grapes, working a college project, or fundraising for a cause, the principles of collaboration, optimism, and empathy turn shared purpose into transformative action, echoing the prophetic legacy of building communities that endure and inspire. Together, we can create a brighter future for all.

References

• Gordon, J. (2018). The power of a positive team: Proven principles and practices that make great teams great. Wiley.
• Gottman, J. M. (1994). What predicts divorce? The relationship between marital processes and marital outcomes. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
• Puri, M., & Robinson, D. T. (2007). Optimism and economic choice. Journal of Financial Economics, 86(1), 71-99. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jfineco.2007.02.002
• Ünal, A. (Trans.). (2006). The Qur’ān with annotated interpretation in modern English. The Light, Inc.
• Al-Haythamī, N. A. (2000). Majma‘ al-Zawā’id wa Manba‘ al-Fawā’id (Vol. 6). Dar al-Kutub al-‘Ilmiyyah. (Original work published ca. 14th century)
• Ibn Hishām, A. M. (1955). As-Sīrah an-Nabawiyyah (Vol. 2). (M. Al-Saqqā, Ed.). Mustafa Al-Babi Al-Halabi. (Original work published ca. 9th century)
• Gülen, F. (2004). Toward a global civilization of love and tolerance. The Light, Inc.
  Nursi, S. (1996). The words: The reconstruction of Islamic belief and thought (H. Şimşek, Trans.). Sözler Publications. (Original work published ca. 1920s-1930s)

The meat of the sandwich is comprised of three related forms of sadness. I am overwhelmed with grief and a sense of mourning, for the loss of someone so precious and the understanding that there will be no further opportunities to stand or sit in his presence, converse with him, and to feel emanating from his being the intensity of intelligence, compassion, concern for others rather than for himself, genuine and profound humility, and, simply put, charisma that I have had the privilege of experiencing a handful of times within the past decade. 

That sense of personal grief and sadness is accompanied by my sense of empathy for all of the tens of thousands of individuals beyond myself, near and far, who have been swept up by the wonder of Fethullah Gülen—his words, his actions, his vision—who like me will be bereft of the chance to feel his concrete presence nearby again. More subtle is the sense of mourning for all of those younger people who are drawn to the values, principles, and teachings associated with Hocaefendi who had not yet met him in person and who will be deprived of that opportunity. Who can calculate the numbers of these, going into the future?

This treble sense of grief is, however, sandwiched between two joyful outer slices of fresh, sweet-smelling and -tasting emotional bread. I am joyful on Hocaefendi’s behalf that he has returned to the Beloved Source. His is a return that—in the manner in which he was his own kind of Sufi—has been his ultimate goal; it is a return yearned for as a terminus of and reward for accomplishing his divinely-appointed task: of shaping and shepherding hizmet within our human realm. That yearning and return—and the tears he so often shed in this world of ours—make me think of the words from the Mesnevi (Bk I) of Jelaluddin Rumi, which resonate, together with so many other words and concepts, from that wondrous 13^th-century Sufi poet with whom Hocaefendi shared such a unique spiritual relationship:

Listen to the story told by the reed,
of being separated:
“Since I was cut from the reedbed,
I have made this crying sound.
Anyone apart from someone he loves
understands what I say.
Anyone pulled from a source,
longs to go back…”

Like Rumi and other Sufis, Hocaefendi is that reed, pulled as we all are at birth from the divine reedbed—and longing to return to it. The Sufi who longs for being reunited in Love with God believes that God longs to be reunited with the Sufi: the lover and the beloved are the beloved and the lover….

If joy on his behalf for his happy return to the reedbed is one outer part of my emotional sandwich, the other is both drawn from the same words of Rumi and transcends them. For we who have sought to further Hocaefendi’s work and his vision are the reed bereft of him: he is the loving and beloved reedbed from which we have been forcibly cut off—but we are also the ongoing fulfillment of his vision. I rejoice when I consider all around me—in the Washington, DC area where I live and out to the four corners of the world that I have visited—the countless members of the Hizmet Movement who are engaged in good works inspired by him and by his vision. These extend from shaping exemplary schools in thousands of locations, often (even in the United States) where schools, much less fine schools, are not easily established; to helping provide clean water in remote African villages where clean water is not easily found nearby; to an ever-expanding number of interfaith and multicultural programs that bring people “of diverse tribes” together so that they “can get to know one another.”

The broken-off reed that is silent begins to make beautiful music when the breath of life is breathed into it: it is at once God’s spirit animating the hizmet-filled life of Hocaefendi and also his myriad followers, inspirited by his ideas, whose lives have been animated by the breath of his, Hocaefendi’s, teachings, to bring musical harmony into the world. I rejoice as I consider the splendid role that the Hizmet Movement is playing—and how, in the immediate aftermath of Hocaefendi’s Transition, its members were drawn together more warmly than ever—and I smile with a sense of the extraordinary and beautiful future of hizmet that will make him smile as he observes us moving forward to be part of the process of helping to perfect the world in an ongoing and loving partnership with the Beloved Source to which he has himself just returned.

As we head into the summer in the northern hemisphere, we think of how we can avoid the annual war we fight every year: the war with the flies. The southerners are over with it as they start enjoying the calm that comes with fall. Having seeded the lawn and planted the seasonal flowers, we hope to have a summer with a pleasure to our eyes – but not to be bothered with the flies and mosquitoes! This bothering experience usually has a blinding effect causing us to undermine the marvel hidden in these tiny creatures that keep buzzing and biting for a full summer. Inspired from a verse in the Holy Qur’an challenging false gods that they could not even create a fly, Harun Emre Berk explains in this issue how intricate, and equally amazing, even its wings are. Their unique design, surface, flexible membrane, etc. prove none of it can exist by accident.

Our journey with flies continues with a memoir by M’Shai S. Dash who narrates a personal journey intertwined with the care of houseplants, the onset of a family crisis, and the contemplation of life and loss. In her new home, she starts nurturing plants as a distraction from news of the pandemic. Yet, she realizes an infestation of fruit flies from the beautiful yucca and lily flowers in her kitchen due to overwatering. As she seeks a solution to get rid of them, she grapples with the news of her father’s worsening condition due to cancer. Memories of her father’s teachings and the family’s superstitions resurface, offering insights into the cyclical nature of life’s challenges. The essay navigates the author’s emotional turmoil as she confronts grief, guilt, and the inevitability of death.

From flies, we are now skipping to another member of insects: water striders. These long-legged creatures can stand and make sudden movements very easily on the surface of calm waters. The mystery behind how this is possible has to do with gravity, surface tension, and engineering wonders in the creation of these striders, which provide for us with many items of contemplation and models to try to replicate.

Not so different from a fly buzzing next to our ear, artificial intelligence keeps occupying the news. Dr. Zeynep Orhan gives a comprehensive account as to how we should understand this rapidly growing phenomenon in our lives. In her piece, Dr. Orhan explains that AI itself is not inherently dangerous. It is a powerful tool, like any technology, whose impact depends on the hands that manipulate it. AI can be considered as a super-intelligent student, constantly learning, and evolving.

Other themes covered in this issue include sacrifice, empathy, submission, and spiritual renewal. Enjoy!

Prejudice involves, 1) a stereotypical idea that can be defined as an unfounded belief against a group of people; and 2) it is accompanied by strong emotions (Quillian, 2006).

In one of the first psychological studies of prejudice, Allport (1954) said prejudice is “incorrect or based on an inflexible generalization dislike.” Since Allport’s study, the psychological theories of bias have become more sophisticated. The name of the group being discriminated against, the words used against them, and the methods of discrimination may vary, but prejudicial attitudes are the common axis. The most common are nationalism, racism, sexism, and homophobia.

Unfortunately, prejudice is deeply ingrained in humans. For example, the social perception of anger has been shown to lead to more stereotypes and prejudices (Bodenhausen, Sheppard & Kramer, 1994). Anger affects our ability to be rational. Irrationality provides fertile ground for the blossoming of prejudice.

Prejudices are used, in thoughts and behaviors, without realizing it. Most of the time we do not accept that we, ourselves, are prejudiced, even though it is likely we hold, consciously or not, some prejudiced ideas. Becoming conscious of our own prejudices is an important step towards eliminating them.

Among many possible sources of prejudice, the following come forward more prominently than others:

Prejudice is learned in childhood: Children often learn prejudice from their parents or other adults in their community.

Prejudice is part of one’s personality: This view argues that prejudice is inherent in people born with authoritarian personalities.

Prejudice as a result of group membership: People tend to create an “us” vs “them” dynamic. When a person is a member of a group, they often stereotype members of other groups.

Prejudice can, unfortunately, exist in education settings. Teachers and students are human, after all, and are therefore influenced by psychological biases, like the fundamental attribution error, when we assume that others who behave in a certain way do so because of their character (a fixed trait) rather than in response to environmental circumstances. In-group bias leads us to assign positive characteristics and motivations to people who are similar to us.

As Bertrand Russell stated, “The good individual is he who ministers to the good of the whole, and the good of the whole is a pattern made up of the goods of the individuals.” It is on the shoulders of teachers to build bridges between each person and society by making the best of schools, and mobilize the unique potential embedded in personalities for the use of society, and more generally, humanity. To be able to reveal the true potential of every student, it is important to treat each one of them as valuable members of our society. The greatest and most dangerous waste is the waste of human capital. The emotional, spiritual, and physical aspects of human nature offer such a wide spectrum of colors that the ideal teacher will enable their students to discover their own colors within this spectrum.

If neither the teacher nor the student pushes the communication or expresses their expectations, it is very likely that they have developed some sort of a prejudice towards each other. Students sometimes feel they are taking up too much of a teacher’s time with frequent communications. Teachers may assume that a child who does not ask many questions is uninterested or does not have any issues to address. Classroom communication often suffers when students are bored or unenthusiastic about their schoolwork. I know it is impossible to entertain students all day, but teachers should work hard to develop engaging lessons with interesting, relevant activities. Thought-provoking assignments, technology-enhanced lectures, and creative projects spur classroom communication and interaction. On the other hand, outdated and monotonous assignments create communication barriers, and students just want the class to be over.

Occasionally, misunderstandings can result in prejudice. Teacher must disentangle the underlying message in communications from students and avoid making unwanted assumptions. If you are about to give an opinion, it is best to think a bit about it before moving ahead. As for students, there is nothing wrong in disagreeing with your teacher but the conversation should be constructive. But similarly, there is nothing right about thoughtless opinions.

A good educator should be able to listen to the silent words that pour from their students’ tongues of disposition. Students may not talk to the teacher directly, but their looks, facial expressions, their interactions with their teacher, and their voice levels and tones, all reflect their inner emotions.

Students, being young, do not think about their biases rationally; they think about them emotionally. Biases make students feel mistrustful. “Mistrustful” is just that: a feeling.  Our natural response is to avoid its source. If we have prejudices, we hide our feelings. If we get a bad grade, we blame teachers. Academic success does not come from how smart or motivated students are. It comes from how they feel about their biases. Changing students’ perspective on biases is the greatest gift a teacher can give. Imagine having a classroom of students who are engaged and constantly improving; it is every teacher’s dream.

Building friendships, empathy, trust, and tolerance are some of the best ways to break down barriers of prejudice. It is suggested that actively trying to take the perspective of another person—as opposed to trying to be “objective”—increases one’s ability to not fall prey to stereotypical views of others. Actively inducing empathy for another person has been tied to a willingness to consider environmental circumstances more closely when dealing with misbehavior. One recent study has found that training teachers in empathy cut student suspension rates in half.

Positive cross-group friendships can have a contagious effect in other people within social groups, turning whole communities into warmer, more receptive spaces for interactions. The success of all of this is related to teachers’ role-modeling the kind of behavior they want to see in their students.

A good friend is the one who points out our mistakes and biases. Learning from their warnings is important to understand and acknowledge our biases, and the best way to move forward is to improve ourselves by not repeating the same mistakes again.

Empathy can be described as “an ability to put one’s self into the mental shoes of another person to understand their emotions and feelings.” Other explanations of it range from experiencing emotions that match another person’s emotions, to understanding what the other person is thinking or feeling (A comprehensive list of books and scholarly articles about empathy is available at www.empathy.se). Some definitions also delineate empathy as “an affective response that stems from the apprehension or comprehension of another’s emotional state or condition, and that is similar to what the other person is feeling or would be expected to feel” (wikipedia).

Taking it to a further level, Nursi talked about tafani (annihilation in one another), which even blurs the line between self and other. When mentioning true brotherhood, he defined the term as, “oblivious of their own merits and the pride which may arise from them, each person lives with the merits and feelings of their brothers and sisters in their mind.” ¹

Conduits of empathy

Generally, the immediate reaction to the definitions above is, “Well, that sounds great; but how?” One should consider the background, education level, and many other parameters that characterize the “other” in order to reach an empathic state. Empathy begins with an awareness of another person’s feelings and thoughts, which requires the cognitive ability to understand them, and the emotional capacity to actually feel them. Emotionally expressive people readily provide their inner state, as their eyes and faces are constantly letting us know how they are feeling. However, most people do not simply reveal how they feel, which leads us to ask questions, read between the lines, make guesses, or interpret non-verbal cues.²

Empathy is a lot more complex than just being able to look at things from another’s perspective. It is a skill that helps us to understand not only what that person would do in a given situation, but also why they would do so. The following case serves as an example:

I remember our teacher asking for two volunteers in one of her lectures. After I and Jim sat around the same table opposing each other, she requested us to close our eyes for five seconds. When we opened our eyes, there was a white box in the middle of the table. She asked: “Ok guys, are you ready?” We both nodded. “Ok, so here is the question: What color is the object on the table?” Well, was that it? The answer was so obvious, I couldn’t stop smiling. Jim answered first: “It’s black, Ma’am.” Very surprised with his answer, I responded promptly:

“What?! Are you kidding? It is clearly white… Don’t you see?”
“Nope. It is black, and I think you’d better be quite serious here.”
“Come on, Jim. I can’t believe that you’re saying this. Do you have a problem with your vision? It is white as snow!”
“No way! Do not insist. It is black.”
“No. White!”
“OK guys, easy,” Mrs. Smith interrupted. “Would you please exchange seats now?”

We both started to laugh after we swapped our seats, as it turned out that one side of the box was painted in black and the other in white; we had been insisting without even considering this possibility. Both of us were exclusively right from our own viewpoints; but in fact, we were both correct. This lesson still serves as an exceptional reminder for me to listen, value, and try to understand other people’s opinions.

Hence, solely approaching the situation in a, “If I were him or her…” manner does not completely address the problem, unless one is aware of the other party’s mindset and background. Empathy is the ability to experience another person’s emotions, and expressing and responding to them in a heartfelt way.⁴ That’s why we empathize with the full range of the other person’s experience: sensations, emotions, thoughts, desires, joys, and sorrows; and beyond that, we empathize with the other person’s mind and self.

Due to these aspects, empathy emerges as a quality that joins us together, though it is not an agreement or approval. People can still empathize with someone that they wish would act very differently. For instance, even if an actor has the part of a character that he dislikes, he will act more genuinely to the extent that he can empathize; or a composer will express a theme by heart when she fully empathizes with the song writer…³

Empathy is usually linked to sorrow and conflict. This is why it is frequently confused with sympathy and pity. Sympathy is the feeling of compassion or concern for another; a wish to see them better off or happier. Pity is feeling that another is in trouble and in need of help, as they cannot fix their problems themselves; it is often described as “feeling sorry” for someone.² Empathy, unlike sympathy and pity, can also apply to someone’s positive feelings of success, accomplishment, pride, achievement, etc. A “high five,” for example, shared between friends or between a parent and child, can be a sign of empathy in context of success.²

Empathy involves grasping feelings via nonverbal cues, such as facial expressions or vocal tone. It will provide an instant idea of the inner state of the other person. That is why sensitive people are more likely to notice someone else’s feelings. But, even those who are not naturally sensitive can take steps to show more understanding by not belittling, diminishing, rejecting, judging, or ignoring others. Obviously, even just a simple acknowledgment, even without any real empathy, is much better than totally ignoring someone’s feelings.²

Once how the other person feels is figured out, this awareness is expressed by acknowledging the emotion. Usually, this empathy is communicated in some way – for example, by saying, “I can see you are really uncomfortable about this; I know how it feels.” Or you can display a simple sign of affection, such as a hug or a tender touch, or through body language that mirrors the other person’s.² In addition to conveying considerate messages, this acknowledgment will also yield to positive and constructive interactions among society, as most belief systems value empathy.

Empathy is more important than ever in a globalized world. If we make an effort to understand the emotions and motivations of other people, it will help us to bridge ethnic, national, and religious differences.

Innate and acquired empathy

While the ability to imagine oneself as another person is a sophisticated imaginative process, the basic capacity to recognize emotions is probably innate and may work unconsciously. Toddlers are able to comfort others or show concern for them as early as the age of two. They may pretend in an effort to fool others, which requires that the child knows what others believe before he or she can manipulate those beliefs.¹ In general, adolescents show more empathy than toddlers while adults show more empathy than adolescents. In addition, women tend to be more empathic than men.⁴

Yet, apart from this innate tendency, one may also deliberately engage in empathic reasoning. The ability to empathize can be trained, and it can be achieved with various degrees of intensity or accuracy over time. For example, grasping the beliefs and desires of the other party is also essential to empathy, since emotions are more generally characterized by a combination of beliefs and desires.² Therefore, whether using innate tendencies or deliberate engagement in empathic reasoning, a person may simulate the beliefs, desires, character traits, and context of the other and see what emotional feelings this leads to. Or, a person may imitate the emotional feeling and then look around for a suitable reason for this to fit.²

Whether innate or acquired, empathy has some other side benefits as well. Those who are more empathic tend to be happier, whereas people who remain preoccupied with themselves tend to be unhappy.³ Studies show that students who participated in programs that teach them to be more empathic improved on a number of levels. They tended to do better academically, scored better on tests of higher-order reading comprehension, displayed enhanced creative thinking and critical thinking, showed an increase in pro-social behavior (sharing, cooperation, trust, kindness), and experienced a decrease in bullying and aggression.

Feeling felt

The expression of empathy gives the other person the feeling of being felt; this an essential feeling, from infancy onward. The expression of empathy conveys the vital signal in any communication: “Message received.” This alone can often calm the other person, and help them feel better. And even if there is an upsetting topic on the table, you can still get on with the business at hand with a clearer head.³

When we feel empathy for someone, we are getting emotional information about them and their circumstances. As you get to know others on an emotional level, you are more likely to see similarities between your feelings and basic emotional needs and their needs. You learn to identify with them, to relate to them, and to empathize with them. This higher level of empathy will yield higher degrees of understanding, which then lead to higher levels of compassion.²

Johnny was diagnosed with cancer when he was only 17 years old. He became very angry and refused to talk to anyone. In his mind, this simply wasn’t fair.

When family members tried to console him by talking about his problems, he rejected them. Often he yelled at them. Even with the doctor he had no patience. He stayed in his bedroom for days at a time.

After a few weeks, the minister came by to talk with him. Johnny rejected him too. He barked at the minister, “You don’t know what it’s like.” But the minister responded quietly, “Well actually I do; I have cancer myself.”

At this point, Johnny began to cry. It was as if an emotional barrier had burst into pieces. He spent the next couple hours talking with the minister and found himself accepting his illness. He began feeling better than he had since he was first diagnosed. He had been touched by the minister’s empathy, and had found his own.⁴

Reading about a feeling or intellectually knowing about it is very different than actually experiencing it. If, for example, you have never put your hand in a flame, you will not truly know the pain of fire. Therefore a person, who has experienced a variety of feelings may better empathize with many people from diverse walks of life. When someone “can’t relate” to other people, it is possibly because they haven’t experienced such feelings on their own. Once you have felt discriminated against, for example, it is much easier to relate with someone else who has been discriminated against.²

People are more able and willing to empathize with those most similar to themselves, particularly in terms of culture and living conditions. Levenson and Reuf (1997) and Hoffman (2000) suggest that empathy is more likely to occur between individuals whose interactions are more frequent.² Empathy increases with similarities, and, at this point, it is important to note that, all of us share similar emotional needs such as being acknowledged, loved, respected, feeling safe and supported, being treated fairly – and being trusted, understood, and valued. The wide variations among our needs are mostly differences in degree, rather than in type. For example, we all need to feel some degree of freedom, but one person may need more freedom than another.

Understanding vs. evil suspicion

Empathy does not imply one has an ill-opinion of the other:

Two blind friends were enjoying their lunch from the same plate, which had meatballs on it. One asked the other:

“Hey, don’t rush! Why do you take two meatballs at a time?”

“You are blind, too! How did you know I do that?”

“I know from myself.”

Some psychologists argue that people may serve as mirrors to one another in this sense. Since they assess the world through their own filtering lenses, whoever has evil suspicions may merely be reflecting his or her own inner state onto the other person:

A farmer had lost his shovel. He believed that it was the son of his neighbor next door who stole it and began to scrutinize his every step. He observed the boy walking as a thief, noticed a tone in his speech that “revealed” he was a robber, and thought his face clearly confessed his guilt. Every posture and attribute of the kid was “proving” he’d committed the crime.

Yet, the following day, the farmer found his shovel in his barn where he had carefully left it weeks before. When he looked at the boy that day, surprisingly, he no longer looked like a robber; and there was no sign of theft in his face, nor in his words.

Evil suspicion is obviously injurious to the social relationships in a community, and is thus explicitly disallowed by various teachings:

“O you who believe! Avoid much suspicion, for some suspicion is a grave sin; and do not spy (on one another), nor backbite (against one another)… Keep from disobedience to God in reverence for him and piety.” (Qur’an 49:12)

Along the same lines, in 1993, 143 leaders from different faith traditions and spiritual communities proclaimed, “do not treat people in a way you would not wish to be treated yourself,” as a common principle for many religions.⁵

Think, before you judge

“A person who sees the good in things will have good thoughts; and one who has good thoughts will receive pleasure from life,” Nursi stated. Empathy is not a process that is likely to deliver certain judgments about the emotional states of others. It is a skill that is gradually developed throughout life, and which improves as we have more contact with the person with whom we empathize. Accordingly, any knowledge gained or sensed from the other must be revisable in light of newer information.² The following story encourages us not to rush into immediate judgments:

A woman was waiting at an airport one night with several long hours before her flight. She hunted for a book in the airport shop, bought a bag of cookies, and found a place to sit. She was engrossed in her book but happened to see that the man beside her, as bold as could be, grabbed a cookie or two from the bag between them. She tried to ignore this, to avoid causing a scene. She munched cookies and watched the clock as this gutsy cookie thief diminished her stock.

She was getting more irritated as the minutes ticked by, thinking, “If I wasn’t so nice, I’d blacken his eye.” With each cookie she took, he took one, too. And when only one was left, she wondered what he’d do. With a smile on his face and a nervous laugh, he took the last cookie and broke it in half.

He offered her half as he ate the other. She snatched it from him and thought, “I can’t believe this! This guy has some nerve – and he’s also rude! Why didn’t he even show any gratitude?”

She couldn’t remember the last time she was so galled and sighed with relief when her flight was called. She gathered her belongings and headed for the gate, refusing to look back at the thieving ingrate. She boarded the plane and sank in her seat. Then she sought her book, which was almost complete. As she reached in her baggage, she gasped with surprise: there was her bag of cookies. “If mine are here,” she moaned with despair, “then the others were his and he tried to share.”

Too late to apologize, she realized with grief, “that she was the rude one, the ungrateful, the thief.”

At times, people can be overconfident, which limits objective recognition. This confidence can be so great that they do not even consider the possibility they might be at fault. Imagine explaining the story from the angle of the man whose cookies were eaten. Had he not possessed some empathy, the situation could have been a lot different. Although many people are inclined to blame others for the problems they complain about, they may well have their own share in the problems; one should question their own errors before going after anyone else’s. The later the reality is realized, the more likely we are to miss the chance for potential healing.

To wrap up, empathy helps us connect with one another at a deep level. It is an essential skill to understand the needs and expectations of our friends and neighbors – and even our enemies. It helps us to become more social.⁴ Furthermore, empathy is crucial for diverse social environments in all its forms – in character and values as well as in ethnicity, religion, class, and so on.³ For instance, the management of a diverse business/education/community setting can address the needs of the people involved better by employing an empathic approach. Or, an interfaith dialogue effort will be more fruitful when parties utilize empathy in their interactions, rather than solely gathering theoretical knowledge about other faith traditions and their members.

Empathy in the sense of mutual understanding, as suggested by various teachings, is a key social remedy. It is an important trait that is worth cultivating. It is at the root of kindness, compassion, understanding, and respect – qualities that we all appreciate being shown, whoever we are, whatever we think, and wherever we come from. Despite all of us having our unique life experiences, and although it is impossible to be another person, imagining what would cause other to suffer or be happy should not be difficult. Wouldn’t you agree?

Notes

¹ Nursi, Said. The Gleams (The Twenty-first Gleam), NJ: The Light, Inc. p. 229.

² http://eqi.org/empathy.htm

³ http://www.rickhanson.net/wp-content/files/Empathy.pdf

⁴ http://www.upperbay.org/articles/empathy.pdf

⁵ Some examples to this principle in different faith traditions are listed at http://www.unification.net/ws/theme015.htm

How generous of us. How condescending, actually! It implies that I can bear up under the difference which is exemplified in the other: I won’t criticize you openly or make comments, but deep down, I know you to be “different” and myself to be virtuous and probably superior. I may catch myself, when speaking of someone I actually do not like, saying politely: “Well, she’s different.” With that comment, I am off the hook. I refrain from telling you I reject this person. But “different” here may support a polite tolerance, yet it harbors an inner rejection.

So can we count tolerance a virtue? Perhaps developing tolerance is a stepping stone to something deeper? It might be the beginning of wisdom and exemplify a necessary patience with what feels painful, uncomfortable, unfamiliar, possibly frightening, in fact “foreign” to us. “Unfamiliar,” literally means: Not of my family. I am ill at ease with this because I do not know it. It is not part of my family, my tribe, my beliefs, my language, my religion, my race. In the spirit of tolerance, I might begin to open myself to tasting, hearing, learning something about that which is not “ours.” It is a beginning, but it still holds fast to the comfort of what it knows and only tolerates what it cannot fully accept.

Still, we have all had the expansive experience of traveling outside our zones of comfort and making a new relationship. We have launched a friendship with someone who seems unlike us.

An obviously poor man has taken charge of the garden plot next to mine in our neighborhood community garden. Perhaps he is homeless? He rattles up to the garden on a dilapidated bicycle. His clothes are worn and he has a scruffy look. His nails are dirty and that might be because he has been working his plot. I sense a certain unease in myself as we scratch the soil in our plots. Part of me fears him. That might be because I feel guilty about the growing number of homeless who make camps under the overpasses in my neighborhood. I can let my mind race with objections: They might bring disease. They certainly clutter the surroundings with litter. What if, in their need, they take what they want from yards and sheds? And the police told us recently they found a cache of machetes, sticks and knives in the park behind us. Oh, I can build dungeons in the sky as fast as anyone.

But to be honest, deep down, I would dread being homeless myself and in this economy… my mind races. How much of this is all our responsibility? Other members of the community garden, I notice, walk well out of his way. Sometimes they whisper to one another making comments about their discomfort.

But this is, after all, a Community garden! What does that really mean. If you sign up and pay the nominal fee to tend a plot and use the garden tools, this man has a right to be here. So the gardeners put up a front of tolerance. “We shall see. We’ll give him a chance.”

Tolerance invites us to stand before the unfamiliar and allow-but it still has no relationship to the ability to be empathic. Empathy is a vulnerable frame of being. It is to feel with what is “other” or different. Tolerance does not yet stand in the shoes of the other, knowing exactly what it feels like to be that person, living into a sense of that person’s culture, situation, history, biology, with those talents, bearing those wounds or offering those gifts.

Empathy would be the greater quality to embrace and cultivate in ourselves if we want to conduct real dialogue. Empathy is a quality that comes with maturity, practice, humility, a vulnerable openness and, of course, prayer. There is nothing guarded, “tolerant” or superior about it.

“Hey!” Two of us greet the man one morning as we hoe our plants. What’s your name? What have you just planted there? I make a point of walking over there and taking responsibility for my own feelings, I try to make contact with the fellow devoid of my prejudices. I am not an extroverted, chatty person to begin with, so it takes a concerted effort on my part to walk over there, discuss our gardens, and share our experiences.

Dempsey is his name. He does indeed live at the homeless shelter downtown and bikes up hill here to work his plot. He has lost the place he once lived. There is a story hiding in him. Turns out he knows quite a bit about the soil and gardening. He introduces me to his beloved collards. I show him my chard and spinach. Eventually we share some of our produce and though I do not take a shine to his collards, no matter how I try, I feel somehow honored by his generosity.

He has a plan. Even a vision. If he can grow enough produce, he will bring it to the kitchens at his shelter. As a kid, he had gardens which he and his mom tended. When everything in a row turns ripe and ready at once, it is quite an armful and he would like to make a contribution to his shelter. He has more plans. There is some land at the back of the shelter that, if he can convince them, he would like to turn into gardens that the homeless can help cultivate. Right now it is just a dumping ground for old bottles and litter.

“Of course, we’d need to contain the kitchen waste for compost first to get some soil. Gardening is more about making good soil than about growing plants!”

Before long, I am hearing amazing things from Dempsey. What if I had avoided him in my fear, guilt, and prejudice?

I think about my feelings against his reality. When we were young and growing up, we all made choices: We chose this over that, we chose right over wrong. We chose right over left and light over dark. We learned not to talk to strangers or to walk in certain neighborhoods. All the world is split in halves and with our choices we made judgments to match. We learned to define ourselves in a certain way, convinced that we have chosen the better part and have left “the other,” the misguided, the sinful, the messy, and unenlightened behind. This is how we formed our identity. With this we were approved of by our families and accepted by our tribe. It was, perhaps, a necessary developmental process.

In time, we may become so comfortable in this identity that it takes wisdom and maturity to discover that the world isn’t so black and white as we would like to define it. Our “black and white mentality” is often acted out literally. Here in America, we have suffered and visited great suffering on people of color deeming white to be more worthy than black. Getting stuck at this stage of development has literally given advantage, education and wealth to whites and this on the backs of those we first imported as slaves to our country and then continued to enslave in our intolerance, injustice and rejection.

Everywhere in the world, we have seen these simplistic conflicts bloom and fester causing injustice, war, and dreadful human misery. Tolerance, then, might be the first step to healing an unjust society but then, it has to develop further, into a true virtue.

Empathy-that true virtue-allows us to viscerally feel with the other and learn a third way which stands over and above the simplicity of a merely “black and white” mentality. Perhaps fundamental rights and wrongs may well be necessary to growing up and learning to become someone.

But fundamentalism is essentially an unripe process in becoming whole, holy, and healthy. It is a spiritual and psychological immaturity. Becoming whole, empathic with “the other” and more than merely “tolerant” of the other requires that we make friends with the deepest part of our own inner selves first. The dark aspects of our own unconscious, which lie under our conscious choices and awareness, are alive and well and sometimes pop out in actions, prejudices, paranoia, and selfish behaviors that actually shock us, surprising ourselves! Where did THAT come from? The impromptu snub? That slip-of-the-tongue? Getting to know what you’d rather repress in yourself takes that washing, even symbolic washing, which takes off the accretions of only “looking good.” To reach into our depth we ask for the graces of God and the courage to know ourselves.

Dempsey proves to be a gifted gardener. Unlike many of us city-slickers who find the idea of gardening a nice, romantic concept, Dempsey knows how to lean into his work and stick with it. He puts a hand to our compost pile and gives me information on the chemistry of compost. He LOVES the compost. And I begin to be enamored with the beauty of this transforming pile of brush and leaves as they become mulch and then good, black earth. It takes time. It takes patience. The vegetable scraps and brush, the kitchen scraps that we reject and find, in fact, revolting as they mold and decompose, become, in time, something so rich and beautiful that I hold a palm full in my hand and run it through my fingers. Dempsey laughs at me. He knows that I have come around. I encourage him to share his knowledge at our garden meetings. Dempsey becomes a valuable member of the garden. And he becomes a friend.

Like the compost, I dig deep into my own unconscious and all that I have deemed objectionable, I take into my awareness. I get to know myself a little more. I get to appreciate what I otherwise throw out and bury out of sight-out of my consciousness-and I find it necessary as the very “ground of my being.” It is a spiritual, a holy exercise. Also the parts of society that I might only tolerate, I take into my awareness and with prayer and God’s grace, I watch the rejected become a valuable source and a piece of God’s holy plan and puzzle.

Richard Rohr, OFM put it this way:

With prayer we change sides from the inside-from a power position to the position of vulnerability and solidarity, which gradually changes everything. Because now we are allowing ourselves to change and grow!
Once we are freed from our paranoia, from the narcissism that thinks we are the center of the world, or from our belief that thinks our rights and dignity have to be defended before other people’s rights and dignity, only then can we finally live and act with any justice or truth. Once these blockages are taken away from us-and that is what prayer does-then we just have to be offered a few guiding statements on social justice or other thorny issues-and we tend to get it for ourselves. We start being drawn by love…

For it is common practice in the human condition to take everything we fear, hate, deny about ourselves and “throw it in the waste bin.” We have, unwittingly, put “the other” in that same place of rejection and waste.

On the other hand, we also project everything we admire onto “the hero” as well. The adolescent makes heroes of the athlete, the rock star, the film star, the super model and decorates her bedroom with their posters. Meanwhile, the adults lean on their gurus, their preachers, their wise men, their favorite politicians and hope to vote in their hero as president and savior-of-the-nation. Our heroes, just like our shadow figures about whom we are passionate, are really aspects of ourselves which we are invited to come to know. These are abilities, virtues, talents, beauties, braveries, and wisdoms that we have not yet met in our own deepest selves but have “found” by projecting them on our heroes. What national leader can be the savior that delivers us from debt, from our enemies, from hunger? Over and over and at every election, we project on “the man who would be king,” and within months, because he is merely human, the populace has become disenchanted if not duped!

Samuel, in Hebrew Scripture, warns of turning away from God in favor of a king (1 Samuel 8). Israel wanted a leader like the other nations. But Samuel issues a final warning (1 Samuel 12:14) “If God’s people will remain faithful to God’s Commandments” and keep God as their ruler.

When our loves and our hates are visceral and passionate, we must take these deep emotions as invitations to examine our SELVES first. By truly “knowing ourselves” deeply, we are able to develop empathy-knowing “the other.” Then we learn to accept the dark and light aspect of our deepest self. We learn to embrace everyone. Our tolerance becomes empathy, even love! Rumi’s teaching often showed that love and empathy is the very path to spiritual growth and insight. Broadly tolerant of every person and all faiths he says:

Whoever you may be, come
Even though you may be
An infidel, a pagan, or a fire-worshipper, come
Our brotherhood is not one of despair
Even though you have broken
Your vows of repentance a hundred times, come.

Life is certain to dish up for us, family members, neighbors, people, situations, religions, countries-myriad experiences that are really invitations to rattle us out of our cozy dualistic and judgmental lives. May we grow surely and bravely from being merely tolerant into fully human beings who are steeped in empathy. Every dualist split that rends us apart personally and tears us one from the other would be healed. The same God reigns over and above us all. The same God guides us. The same God loves us all. The same God is the very ground of our being. Tolerance is only a start on the path to love and empathy.

Gertrud Mueller Nelson is an author, artist and retired teacher. She has illustrated and written nine books. She lives in California.

Psychologists have uncovered and grouped intelligence into three main groups: abstract intelligence (the ability to understand and manipulate using verbal and mathematical symbols), concrete intelligence (the ability to understand and manipulate with objects), and social intelligence (the ability to understand and relate to people).¹

Emotional intelligence (EI) has its roots in the concept of “social intelligence,” first identified by E.L. Thorndike in 1920. The influence of this concept on popular culture and the academic community has been rapid and widespread.

As we all know, emotions are a fundamental part of who we are, and play an important part in our relationships with others. They cannot be removed from the picture. However, most of us have traditionally been conditioned “to leave our emotions at home,” believing that in order to be more effective we need to base all our strategies and decisions only upon cold, logical “intelligence.”²

In fact, to do so often guarantees that the suppressed emotions will flare, causing increased conflict and affecting the mood of the individual negatively. But what if we continue to expand our knowledge of emotions in a different way altogether, as another kind of “intelligence,” beyond reason and logic? An intelligence that – if we could learn to access it – could become nothing less than a touchstone to greater collaboration, giving us greater influence with others, motivating us to be more productive and effective.

It could be said that the greatest distance there is is the distance between the mind (IQ) and the heart (EQ). By learning about and utilizing EI, we will be able to shorten that distance, and we will be working with astonishing capacity and effectiveness. Let us address some important questions and issues about Emotional Intelligence.

What Is EI?

When Salovey and Mayer coined the term “emotional intelligence” (EI) in 1990,³ they were aware of the previous work on non-cognitive aspects of intelligence. They described emotional intelligence as “a form of social intelligence that involves the ability to monitor one’s own and others’ emotions, to discriminate among them, and to use the information to guide one’s thinking and actions.”⁴

Esther Orioli and Robert Cooper state the following in explaining EI: “EI is far more than being ‘nice’ to people. It is the ability to sense, understand, and effectively apply the power and acumen of emotions as a source of energy, information, creativity, trust, and connection.”⁵

Another way to describe EI is the ability to sense and use emotions to more effectively manage ourselves and influence positive outcomes in our relationships.

Why Do We Need EI?

Primitive emotional responses of our EI hold the keys to better health, experiencing greater joy and closer connections, achieving stronger leadership, a clearer vision, greater efficacy, higher goals, expanding our personal power, enhancing our self-awareness, augmenting learning, magnifying clarity, ensuring healthier relationships and finer perception, and finally, the provision of greater satisfaction. These emotional reflexes, rarely conscious but powerful, motivate our choices. In short, we need EI for utilizing the power of emotions.

What Are the Competencies of EI?

In Goleman’s model of EI there are five key steps:⁶ self-awareness, self-regulation, self-motivation, empathy, and effective relationships; each includes a set of different competencies. All the competencies to be successful are not necessary, but the two core competencies (emotional self-awareness and accurate self-assessment) are essential. These are the two foundational abilities upon which all others rest (see Chart).

1. Self-Awareness

The cornerstone or foundation of EI is self-awareness. It supports all the other EI skills. Self-awareness must come first because if we do not know ourselves or what we are feeling, how can we possibly know the needs of others or understand someone else and how they feel?

The more we know about ourselves, the better we are able to control and choose what kind of behavior we will display in any given situation. Self-awareness is about knowing where we are now and where we want to go, so that we will be willing to change to get there. Without self-awareness, our emotions can blind us and guide us to do things or to become people we do not want to be.

To become more self-aware, one must follow these steps:

• Learn the difference between thoughts and feelings. It is extremely important to know the difference between “I think” and “I feel” if you are to know yourself better.

• Ask yourself how you are feeling throughout the day and be honest. If your heart races or you blush or if you are short of breath – this is usually a gut reaction. Ask yourself, “What is the feeling behind it?” Name that feeling – fear, anxiety, love, eagerness.

• Be open to input from others. Friends and associates can often enlighten us about our behavior.

2. Self-Regulation

While we are listening and learning from our gut feelings as a step toward self-awareness, self-regulation is regulating those same feelings and managing them so that they do more good than harm. Self-regulation is giving the rational side time to temper our feelings when needed. It also helps us to act intentionally rather than reactively. When we act intentionally, we mean what we say rather. The other side of the coin is to just spout off without thinking and later regret an impulsive act.

Here are some tips to help you with self-regulation:

• Monitor your self-talk (what you say to yourself in your mind).

• Accept responsibility for your emotional responses in your life. When you are feeling that you are accountable, you are acknowledging your own power.

• Anticipate emotional “triggers” and prepare to manage them.

• Reframe an irritating situation into a problem-solving exercise. When you encounter a situation that provokes an undesirable emotional response, decrease your anger by focusing on the behavior. Reframe it to make the behavior the problem, and not the person.

• Use humor!

• Never underestimate the power of taking deep breaths. Increasing the flow of oxygen to the brain eases tension, clarifies thinking and has a relaxing effect on our psyche and body. It also gives you a moment to collect your thoughts and to think before speaking.

• Remove yourself from the situation and keep moving. There are major benefits in distancing yourself from a bad situation and re-directing your energy into a new activity. This will help you regain your perspective, increase your alertness and re-energize.

Unlike Intelligence Quotient, which is fixed for life, Emotional Quotient can be continually developed to enable people to increase their awareness of their selves and others, to develop.

3. Self-Motivation

Self-motivation is directing the power of our emotions toward a purpose that will motivate and inspire us. It is also visualizing the achievement of a goal and taking whatever the necessary steps are to get there. Various ways to bolster your self-motivation are: — Be aware of how you explain setbacks to yourself… stay realistic. Realize that you can control and choose what you are thinking and feeling. Increase your persistence by keeping things in perspective. — Connect your goals with your values to get energized. Keep your eyes on the goal and follow through so you can enjoy the satisfaction of completing whatever projects you’ve begun. — Strive for reaching a —flow— state while working on projects. — Visualize! — Keep learning! The pursuit of knowledge will build on your areas of strength. You will be more valuable and versatile.

4. Empathy

Once we have become more honest and intentional with our emotions, it is time to look outward. EI is both tuning into our feelings and tuning into the feelings of those around us. It means responding to others appropriately, with sensitivity and compassion. Empathy is being able to see a problem from another person’s perspective. It is good to acknowledge other people’s emotions while still remembering that those are their emotions, not ours. Empathy begins with listening. This means making a connection with people. Individuals who lack empathy are more focused on their needs and pay little or no attention to anyone else’s. Empathy is the glue that will bind a group together to work successfully. Some of the techniques for enhancing your empathy are: — Look for nonverbal cues as well as listening for verbal ones. Studies show that words account for only 7% of communication. Tone and the speed of speech accounts for 38% of the message, while 55% is unspoken and revealed through body language, such as posture, eye contact, facial expressions, and so on. — Share and be honest about your feelings. Good communication leads to trust. — Your spoken and unspoken messages should be consistent. You want what you are saying to uphold what you are doing. This proves that you are being honest, or authentic, which builds trust. — Take the kinder road whenever possible. There are many ways to deliver opinions and criticism. You can be honest and still give positive feedback, which increases confidence. Construc-tive feedback increases competence. — Try to see a situation from the other person’s perspective. Empathy is about imagining what it would be like to walk in someone else’s shoes. We ought to assume that everyone is doing the best they can with the resources that they have at the moment.

5. Effective Relationships

Mastering the abilities of self-awareness, self-regulation, self-motivation, and empathy paves the way to attaining greater skill in effective relationships. This competency is about interacting with people successfully and being adept at managing emotions in others. With heightened social skills, leaders are better communicators and better collaborators. Some EI techniques for having more effective relationships at work: — Share your passion and enthusiasm for your job and the organization’s vision — it’s contagious! Keep the vision in view by relating your own excitement for a project or goal. — Create an inspiring work environment. If you show honesty, trust, and appreciation toward your team, you create the perfect environment for them to do their best work. — Engage in creative brainstorming. Not only is brainstorming good for generating fresh ideas, but the process builds rapport and trust among team members. This could smooth the way to future collaborations because of the creative bond that has been formed. — Be willing to coach or mentor others and be open to being coached yourself. This is the most important relationship skill in the workplace. By sharing your knowledge and expertise with other team members, you are nurturing the next generation. And by allowing someone to coach you, you are showing that you are receptive to others’ ideas and that you do not —know it all.— In conclusion, quite simply the EI competencies of intra-personal and inter-personal skills are central to our life and are a different way of being intelligent. They are the tools that our brains use to define ourselves, to shape the meaning of major concepts like love, success, and happiness. EI has been found to be more important than IQ, technical ability, or experience in determining life success. Unlike IQ, which is fixed for life, EQ can be continually developed to enable people to increase their awareness of their selves and others, to develop self-management strategies, and to connect with others to create collaboration and harmony. In practice, EI also enables people to tap into their true power and creativity and to consciously choose the most effective response to any situation rather than merely reacting impulsively.

Footnotes

1. Ruisel, I., Social Intelligence: Conception and Methodological Problems, 34(4-5), 281-296.
2. Emotional Intelligence Workbook, CRM Learning, Carlsbad, 2001.
3. Salovey, P., & Mayer, J. Emotional Intelligence, Imagination, Cognition, and Personality, 1990.
4. Salovey, P., & Mayer, J., The Intelligence of Emotional Intelligence, 1993, 17, 433-442. 5 See http://www.qmetricseq.com/
5. Goleman, D., Emotional Intelligence, Bantam Books, New York, 1995.

Nowadays, children and parents are estranged, employees and employers are continuously at odds, the government is deaf to the public and the public seems to be unaware of the government, the teacher and the pupil no longer talk the same language; these phenomena can all be explained when we realize the serious lack of communication that we are facing. What has gone wrong?

The reason that we are removed from one another in terms of communication, despite physical distances having been lessened, is that we either are unaware of that important component of human communication, empathy, or we are not giving it due consideration. There are many definitions of empathy; a brief definition is that it is the ability to recognize and understand another person’s perceptions and feelings and to accurately convey that understanding through a com- passionate response. In other words, it means understanding another person so well that you feel as he/she does. Native Americans expressed this as walking a mile in another person’s moccasins. It is being able to listen so intently and to identify so closely with another that you experience that person’s situation, thoughts and emotions. Empathy has many different descriptions, but they all narrow down to the same thing: developing the ability to see the world from another’s point of view without judging. Being empathetic is a bit like being an anthropologist; when an anthropologist goes to study a different people or tribe, there is no judgment or criticism involved, the anthropologist just accepts and describes the way of life, the way of seeing things. One must develop the ability to put oneself in another’s shoes, to see the world as they see it, without judgment or criticism or over-identification and agreement. Good therapists are said to do this; the same can be said for good friends. It is only with empathy that we can understand each other thoroughly and proceed to build close and reliable relationships.

Empathy acts as an inhibitor of aggression and violence. A person with greater empathy tends to act in pro-social ways simply because such a person is able to identify and recognize the plight of others. On the other hand, people acting in antisocial ways are likely to lay the foundations for violent and aggressive patterns. In this respect we can say that there is a strong relationship between empathy and morality. Morality can be explained as a set of principles or ideals that help an individual distinguish right from wrong. It is a term used to cover those practices and activities that are considered significantly right or wrong, the rules that govern these activities and the values that are embedded, fostered or pursued by these activities and practices. It would be correct to say that a man of high moral values is at the same time highly empathetic. This is true because the ability to see the world from another person’s point of view without personal biases or judgments usually leads one to a correct understanding of the situation and therefore assists one in making a correct decision. An empathetic person always places him/herself in the place of the people with whom he/she is in contact, looks at events from their perspective and thereby is able to attain a deep understanding of the situation. When it comes to making comments about the situation, such a person still assumes that he/she is still in the other person’s place and talks as if he/she is not talking to somebody else, but to him/herself. The result of such behavior is perfect comprehension and a correct evaluation of the situation.

To be empathetic in this way is a difficult human relations skill to gain. It would be relatively easier if there were only few people with whom one is in contact. At least then one would know each of these people’s characteristics and could understand each of their situations more easily. But what if there are many people with whom one is in contact, each having his/her own personal differences? Now it is that communicational ability arises and that one must be able to adapt to each situation, without being self-centered. This can only be achieved by a skill that has been fostered by high moral values. A person who has such skills is one that creates a feeling of intimacy and well-deserved trust in others. Such a person becomes someone to whom a story can always be told in confidence, and such a person may even understand a situation better than the person involved.

This is how the Almighty Creator wants us to be and how he expects us to be. This reality is evident in the religions that God has sent to us with His messengers. What is called The Golden Rule is a prevalent idea of Christianity. The golden rule is best interpreted as saying: Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. To use this rule, one must imagine oneself to be in exactly the same place of the person who is involved in the action. If we act in a given way toward another person, yet are unwilling to be treated that way ourselves under the same circumstances, then we have violated this rule. To apply the golden rule adequately, we need both knowledge and imagination. We need to know what effect our actions will have on the lives of others. And we need to be able to imagine ourselves, vividly and accurately, in another person’s place in a given situation. With knowledge, imagination, and by applying the golden rule, we can progress far in our moral thinking.

The golden rule is best seen as a principle of consistency. It does not replace regular moral norms. It is not an infallible guide by which to judge the correctness of an action; it does not provide all the answers. It only prescribes consistency – that is that we not let our actions (toward another person) be out of harmony with our desires. It tests our moral coherence. If we violate the golden rule, then we are violating the spirit of fairness and compassion that lies at the heart of morality.

Moreover, Prophet Muhammad, upon him be peace and blessings, the Messenger of Islam, says He who does not feel the hunger of his neighbor when he goes to sleep in his comfortable bed cannot in any way share our values. It is of utmost importance to put effort in empathizing with another’s circumstances and to understand other people well. Islam actually states that the most important of all the divine characteristics that a person should have is their personal relations with other people. That is the only thing for which God, the All Merciful, will not directly show His compassion when the time comes to account for our sins after death. In other words, suppose that you have mistreated somebody in this world; God will first ask the person who has been mistreated whether you are to be forgiven. This is God’s absolute justice, an important part of His character.

There is no doubt that God gives particular importance to communication among people and to their understanding of one another. Taking into consideration the scientific finding that almost 90 percent of human communication is comprised of non-verbal elements, empathy plays a great role in the part of good communication. In the history of humanity so much has changed, but the main component of communication, empathy, has maintained its place as before. It is the invisible bridge that connects our hearts to one another through which we understand and feel one another, a bridge that God wants us to construct to span our hearts, a bridge via which God’s love can be acquired.