“Home.” It’s a word that is thrown so lightly around in our daily conversations yet always carries weight regardless of the circumstance. It’ll be the end of my text message to my mother letting her know that we have dinner ready. It’ll be at the beginning of my groans on the days when work has kept my eyes heavy in the morning. It’ll swish around in my father’s mouth when he talks about a home I’ve only known through blazed childhood memories and the home he can never seem to forget. To me, home could be the library I lived across the street from growing up in Ellicott City, where I spent hours in the cubby with the window looking over the budding garden and reading Junie B. Jones. I had only realized this visiting for the first time a decade later and tracing everything with my fingers all over again, seeing little kids with piles of books similar to mine a decade ago. It’s complicated when the first home means something different for everyone in an immediate family. It’s a small edge of the feats we decided to take on immigrating to America from Turkey before I had gained consciousness of myself or anything around me, and when both my parents only kept small flip phones.

We started making our new home, in a place with rent that costed a mere 250 dollars and groceries from food stamps. As far as my memory goes back, my parents have constantly been learning and teaching. I can remember students reading red books stamped with gold shiny letters intently lined up on our couches, later myself learning the great works of Said Nursi. I remember endless debates that were heftier than the accumulating heap of laughing sunflower seed shells on the coffee table. Our unfortunately pale-colored couches framed exquisite masterpieces from the artistry of spilling cold tea. The soggy tea leaves became weathered with contemplation and companionship. Sohbets [1] that charted unimaginable webs of thought with dew drops of loving jokes laced in between. I could’ve sworn my mother’s brilliance was fueled half by black tea that perhaps ran slightly over brewed, and the other half by the love she felt for her sister on the other end of the table.

After long nights of banter, my mother taught Pre-Algebra to a classroom of kids with most of them dawning ankle monitors under their sweatpants. They called home the part of Baltimore that was blockaded from the rest of the world, their struggles were hard to even discuss amongst my parents. She hugged those bright students so dearly when the world had shunned them in the corners of redlined [2] Cherry Hill. In spite of these burdens, I witnessed people immensely close to their souls and their faith. One of her student’s mother tightly grasped her hand in prayer. I dawdled in conversation and laughs in the laps of students who lost family members to gang violence yet had pure reciprocation for a stranger. Unconditional reciprocation can be difficult to find and demands truly compassionate and amiable character, especially in the hyper-individualized atmosphere we find ourselves in today. We have much to learn from each other in tactical knowledge and what we can foster in our souls. 

Gradually, I began learning as well. I mapped out my lines in Geometry the way I imagine my mother has done in the classroom, how I danced between the lines! My learning was almost constant from Geometry class to reading endless books after school to Saturday school. I spent the mornings of my Saturday’s learning about religion, how Abu Bakr (may God be pleased with him) protected the Prophet (peace be upon him) from snakes in the Cave of Thawr. I was in the car ride home from Saturday school when our conception of home had changed permanently and suddenly. The way in which under later realization was ultimately inevitable but at the time felt world bending.

In the backseat of our car, I was under the fog of the summer heat when I heard “BREAKING: Soldiers block off Istanbul bridges. Turkish military attempting coup.” which somehow bubbled through my post-schooling fatigue. What followed only felt like a blur and slowly boiled up to our new understanding of our “home country,” always in my introduction to strangers when they ask where I am from. Turkey is only lived through two summers growing up yet is stitched between my whole American experience. Only a myth that I have longed for and remember in hazy fragments of my young eyes. It is not a place I know by any means no matter how much I stacked books of Turkish history from the library on my bedroom floor or trace my village on Google maps. Somehow this home mapped out every facet of my experience. I spent college years on and off Twitter watching the fate of my country twist and turn. Street interviews of people calling us terrorists and myself using google translate to fully understand their sentiments. Between studies of Sociology and the American Civil Rights movement, I meticulously translated court documents. I became an interpreter in conferences with lawyers for young people who never imagined becoming a refugee. My lifelong friends are people who may never see their parents again but taught me all the new lingo and fixed my pronunciation. They memorialized their home in snapshots showing me the lives that they left behind. I found myself surrounded by people who knew my home country better than I ever could have, and others who were classmates that didn’t even know what language my home country housed, and yet still felt desire to mock my identity. I’ve spent my youth proving I’m not a terrorist to them and my third grade English teacher and half of my own people.

The corruption festering in my home country by my own people is what deeply wounded many of us the most. Nevertheless, we built our own havens, homes to countless brothers and sisters. We held our sisters who broke down over relatives rotting in jail cells in the same buildings we learned how to place our tongue in the right ways for reading Qur’an. Our ribs became tight with laughter in late hours after tarawih in the same place we held bake sales to send help back to our country. The buildings change, we are told to not ever go back to grandma’s village over the phone, and we go to new places to continue our toil. I felt frustration when classmates talked so dearly of their grandmother’s house realizing they are not clouded with a mystical dream when trying to reminisce of the same.

Yet I began to let go of this subtly hummed yearning that has plagued me and accept love where it finds itself in different stemmed and split paths. This is only through realizing people as close as your neighbors are piecing together these branches of pathways over years of displacement from family and attempting to map out belonging. We hold each other in the pain of this journey, eventually realizing we have found it within each other. Belief houses many pillars of love and perhaps we need to be reminded that the souls we connect ourselves with transcend anything tangible such as land, or even time. Surely, land is critical. The dilemma of which land is mine has burdened me for years. Those students in Baltimore have their lives altered immensely due to their redlined land. Generations are loved for centuries over land. Blood is tragically spilled over land. Standing for your land can mean seeking justice for your people which is absolutely necessary. In circumstances of injustice, know that you are never alone. You might be forced to carry your home in your blood and your heart. Love may not be able to reach us in our “home country” and home may not be hammered shut there.

For those of us who never lived in the same place for longer than two years. For those us of who will never know our home country more than the legends and history we read in books. For those of us who have been called slurs by people in the melting pot you were born in: Home is in you and me. Home is tucked under the heaps of sunflower seed shells as they are smiling because they were breathed into conversations of love. Home is in the undevoted passion of learning and teaching and repeating under unimaginable circumstances. Home is my sister fixing my hijab before prayer. Home is my mother gardening in the way her mother taught her. Home is in the salam from the person you haven’t seen in years but know you are always welcome in their embrace. Home is the teacher that made you feel seen when classmates mocked who you were. Home is in the houses of people who have their whole family trapped in Turkey but remind you their door is always open. No matter how much they tried to strip us from our home, or no matter how much they have deformed our homes into a succumbing cavity, our glaring feat is that we have found it within each other. So, they will curse us and the buildings and those we cherish, and we will love beyond it all.

Notes

• Sohbet in Turkish (originally sohbah in Arabic) means companionship, informal conversations mainly on matters of belief and religion.
• Redlining is known as the structural restriction of resources and services from a community in a discriminatory manner, and has historically heavily impacted predominantly lower income and African-American communities in the United States.

Between the ages of six and ten, I stayed up every night waiting for the sound of my parents closing their bedroom door. Then I stayed up for an extra 20-30 minutes to make sure it didn’t reopen. I was convinced that they planned to leave me in the middle of the night, driven mad by my autistic brother, Matthew.

My parents did not abandon me, and Matthew remained with us for two more years before moving into a group home. A typical day during those 12 years started off with a 4-am wake up call, followed by one parent escorting my brother and me to the car for our morning drive. Matthew begged for food he would eventually just toss in the garbage, screaming “McDonald’s” or “Jack-in-the-Box” as we made our way down the still-dark streets of suburbia. Breakfast Jacks and hash browns made up about 50% of my diet during those years, while Matt was partial to chicken nuggets drenched in Italian dressing.

After he was fed, dressed, and cleaned up, my mom and I would harness him onto the school bus and send him on his way. About every other day my mom received a phone call while he was at school, explaining how he had soiled his clothes, self-injured, or bitten a staff member (they learned not to call unless he broke the skin). After school I was shuttled off to sports practice via a carpool for which my parents never drove. I fell in love with school and sports not necessarily for the academics or the athletics, but for the hours of relative silence and calm they were able to provide. I showed up early to appointments and stayed late, anything to spend time out of the house. When I arrived home after practice, my whole family sat down for dinner at the table together, a ritual my parents gathered us for, every day, without fail. Whether it lasted five seconds or 20 minutes didn’t matter; it was the only sense of normalcy we were able to achieve.

Homework was completed between guarding the food in the cupboards and rewinding Matt’s VCR tapes. Sometimes I was instructed to chase him around our tiny yard, my parents praying that physical activity would keep him silent for the night. At bedtime, his medications either drugged him into slumber or he was awake for the night, soiling his bed sheets or leaping from his window into the front yard. Before we had a lock on his room, he would creep down the hall, waiting for my father to shout “Back to bed!” and he would scurry back into his room as if it were a game.

Those 12 years of my life were characterized by Matt’s creaky outdoor swing set, thrice daily handfuls of pills, a constant parade of respite workers, padlocks on our fridge, trapeze bars hanging from the living room ceiling, and “Aladdin” playing on the VCR for ten hours a day. My family has been kicked out of restaurants, parks, and public pools; the stigma of autism following us like a dark cloud. To call our life chaos for those 12 years would be an understatement. The usual benefits of a sibling (shared chores, free advice, companionship) were lost. I was a pseudo-only child, shipped from one activity to the next while my parents were suspended in a sense of panic, wondering what injuries he would inflict on himself or whether he would be kicked out of another school. I love my brother so much, and one of the things that reminds me to be grateful is that all of the superficial things I missed out on due to his disability pale in comparison to the normal life he lost, and to the partial loss of a son my parents have already experienced.

I remember very clearly the last day Matthew lived with us, though I was unaware of its significance at the time. The soccer carpool had just dropped me off at home. Already physically drained, I was standing in the garage going through my usual mental preparation to enter the hellfire that would surely greet me inside. I was met instead with silence, my ears ringing from the anticipated noise. I found my dad in the kitchen; for the first time I realized how much older he looked than 40. “Where’s Matt?” I asked. Always the first question asked by anyone who walked into the house. “He’s staying away for a while. To work on his medications.” A while turned into five months at the adolescent psych hospital, where large men guarded every door and Matt sat next to anorexic girls at meal times (and stole their food). Five long months. Relief at home soon turned to confusion. My parents and I didn’t know what to do with ourselves. Even the dog had lost his daily job of chasing Matt onto the school bus. They kept me in the dark about his transition into a group home, sending me off to school and sports practices as if nothing had changed. I continued bringing home straight A report cards to tack onto the fridge, to remind them that they could still be hopeful about one of their children. Matthew has been in a group home since he left the psych hospital. He has not spent a night in his own home in ten years.

My parents have given me everything I need to succeed on my own, but even they will admit they have not been able to give me the attention they otherwise would have had my brother turned out “normal.” I resented this when I was younger, telling myself Matthew was faking his autism to get more attention. As I grew, I used this lack of attention to fuel early maturity and independence. I pushed my parents to let me travel, to send me to a brand new state for college, to not worry about me when they already had ten lifetimes of worry under their belts.

When I first settled in these new places such as college and medical school, I often struggled with how to explain my brother’s situation to new people. I hated getting pity from them, but I did not want to brush over Matthew like he hasn’t had a huge impact on my life. For a while when asked about my siblings, I would mention that I had a brother and leave it at that. No, he does not go to college, yes, he lives in California, yes, we get along.

Now I tell them everything, because there is nothing shameful or uncomfortable about him. I have an autistic brother. He lives in a group home with three other young men and an incredible staff. He likes “green chips” with Italian dressing. My parents visit him every week and they are in a constant battle to find the perfect balance of medications for him. I came to medical school to meet neurologists specializing in the care of autistic teens and adults. Yes, we get along.   

For four years I volunteered with a day program that serves autistic children and adolescents. It was the same program at which, five years earlier, my brother had been one of the first members. Pictures of him as a teen are still in frames around the house, and he is famous among the original staff members. “Oh, Matthew,” they would tell me, “He was wild. I loved that kid.” I loved the work and miss it dearly, but there was something incredibly frustrating about working with high-functioning kids on the complete opposite end of the autism spectrum from Matthew. These kids could talk, could engage, could make jokes with me. They had behaviors but they were manageable. I wondered how it was possible for them to wear the same diagnostic label as Matthew. Matthew, the boy who thinks he is still 14-years old, who cannot sit still for more than five minutes, who defecates in closets and smashes televisions against the walls. Matthew, who kicks dogs and bites humans. Matthew, who occasionally forgets who I am.

People say there is nothing worse for a parent than burying their own child. I think my parents are more afraid of Matthew outliving them. They sat me down when I graduated from high school to explain the significance of having a brother like Matthew. Someday my responsibilities for him may increase exponentially, and I need to be prepared for that. He will never not be my responsibility. Sometimes I feel like I am the insurance policy on my brother’s wellbeing, the one person my parents can fully and completely trust, the daughter they have vetted to be obedient and to work hard and to do it all for her brother. Someday I could be the only family Matt has left who knows him well enough to take care of him, to prevent others from taking advantage of him, and to give him the most fulfilling life possible as an adult with severe autism.

I will forever be a part of the autism community, but this membership has not been cheap. I’ve been challenged in ways that have forever changed me and how I perceive the world. I found strength in my family and in my education, both as a learner and a teacher. I can only hope that by sharing my Matthew story I will be able to connect, deeply, with others who may be feeling the same confusion, frustration, and joy that I have felt for the past 24 years.

How excessive cell phone usage can cripple a child’s mental development

The scene of a quiet child tapping away at a phone or tablet with glee is an image that, by now, most people are familiar with. It may seem cute at first, however a sinister reality lurks beneath this scenario. Overwhelming research now shows that excessive cell phone usage in infants and adolescents can slow down, or even permanently alter, various parts of their extremely sensitive and still growing brains. Social skills, cognitive abilities, and emotional awareness can all be affected. This technology is often incredibly addicting because of its constant bombardment of lights, colors, and rewarding sounds that can thus inhibit a child’s ability to focus, learn how to properly socialize with other humans, and develop an interest in other activities. We as a society should be more aware of the effects that our phones have on our children so that we do not end up altering the biology of an entire generation. It should be our utmost goal as a society that we stay technologically literate so that we make our technology supplement our lives and work for us as opposed to being dependent on it to survive.

How much time is too much time?

Smart phones have positive benefits for children when used in small amounts, however there are dangerous consequences if their usage is excessive and left unchecked. For the sake of clarity, “excessive phone usage” will refer to the American Academy of Pediatric’s (AAP) 2018 suggested screen time limits.

“Avoid digital media for toddlers younger than 18 to 24 months other than video chatting. For children 18 to 24 months, watch digital media with them because they learn from watching and talking with you. Limit screen use for preschool children, ages 2 to 5, to just 1 hour a day of high-quality programming” [1].

Cell phones can permanently stunt a child’s neural development

Scientists have identified the first three years of a child’s life to be their “critical years,” a time when their brains are undergoing the most development and are the most sensitive to new information. It is imperative that children constantly interact with their parents via face to face communication, problem solving, and play in order to begin experiencing life while establishing the literal building blocks that will enable them to perceive and interact with the world around them for the rest of their lives. Children’s minds are akin to soft clay that can be easily molded, and both positive and negative experiences can have lasting effects on them. Excessive screen time can cause permanent damage to the brain and can inhibit “the ability to focus, to concentrate, to lend attention, to sense other people’s attitudes and communicate with them, (and) to build a large vocabulary….”

The short term, immediate gratification responses that phones constantly give usually train our brains to become addicted to always expecting quick responses from tasks that we engage in. This can make completing longer tasks that require more focus such as reading, paying attention in class, doing homework, or holding a conversation more difficult and can have lasting ramifications on a child’s performance in school and in social settings [2].

Excessive usage can make children socially awkward and anxious

As most teens and adults learn the hard way, the best way to grow socially is by directly engaging in the social behaviors that we often dread the most. Making new friends, talking to the opposite gender, and public speaking all become easier the more a person partakes in the activity despite how nerve-wracking they may initially be. This is especially true for children, who are socially clean slates that learn how to socialize by interacting with other children, their parents, and through play. Cell phone usage promotes a sedentary lifestyle, and a child can rarely grow socially by being sedentary. Playing with other kids teaches cooperation, empathy, and compassion. These are very human traits that cell phones cannot teach a child. Failing to develop strong social skills can lead to social anxiety, which has a host of its own problems, since a child may be ill-prepared to deal with social scenarios such as these ones.

The AAP recommends interacting with your child by asking them questions and encouraging a response while they use phones instead of just leaving them to their own devices. This way, they are interacting with their parents, as is necessary for their growth, and having the phone supplement their learning in the way that it is supposed to.

Prolonged usage can easily lead to addiction and dependence

Our brains have a built-in reward system that awards us when we achieve something of value. The chemical most commonly associated with this system, and most well-known by society, is dopamine. Normally, our brains receive dopamine in reasonable and completely safe doses as we go about our day whenever we feel we should be rewarded for something. This can include finishing an assignment, sending a difficult email to an even more difficult colleague, or when eating sweets. It makes us feel good and relaxed but can be addicting in large amounts. Cell phones can cause an overproduction of dopamine that has been compared, though to a lesser extent, to the excessive amount of dopamine produced as a result of abusing hard drugs, such as cocaine. Have you ever caught yourself reaching for your phone, without even thinking about it, as soon you hear a text message notification go off? That’s dopamine at work. It’s the rush that we get when something satisfactory happens, and it is all too easy to trigger with phones. Dopamine can easily become addictive, and the brain can become dependent on receiving a certain amount of dopamine every once in a while if it receives too much too quickly. This may be one reason why we may sometimes glance at our phones even if we know there is nothing new to look at.

In children whose brains are still developing, this dependence on dopamine can be catastrophic towards their growth. Their brains are much more susceptible to dopamine addictions than teens or adults are, though this is not to imply that older populations are safe. This is why a child may seem impossibly glued to a phone and will throw a tantrum once they are told to put it down. A proven method to help rid addictions, including cell phone addictions, is to replace the addictive behavior with a similar, healthier, but equally satisfying behavior. Phones can be replaced with Legos, or other interactive toys, in order to teach a child that there are ways to have fun besides phones. Going cold on an addiction rarely works as it does not sate the brain’s hunger for dopamine.

It is entirely possible for us to regain control

Fortunately, there are plenty of solutions that families can utilize in order to make sure that phones do not dominate their lives. Professional organizations such as the AAP and Mayo Clinic stress the importance of unstructured playtime for the minds of young children. In general, psychologists have realized that unstructured play is actually vital for the growth of children’s brains since it encourages creativity, imagination, and problem solving. Their brains are encountering problems, and thus creating solutions that lead to growth and understanding, while they play. Cell phones, on the other hand, tend to do the work for them instead and do not allow the brain to learn. This is especially true for videos that tell children everything that they need to know and do not give them time to problem-solve on their own.

The AAP encourages parents to establish a Family Media Plan that clearly outlines when and where family members can use their technology. Parents may consider forbidding technology at certain places, such as the dinner table, or doing activities, such as weekly board game nights, without technology either in order to remove the barriers that technology so often puts between us. A strong family is one where all family members have firm trust, understanding, and respect in between one another. Less face-to-face interaction, and an obsession with screens from both parents and children, can very much damage these bonds. You can make a Digital Media Plan for your family at www.HealthyChildren.org/MediaUsePlan.

Technology is awesome when used properly and in reasonable amounts!

Virtually every person can name at least one technological medium that brings them joy and can bring them closer to the people that they care about. For some, this may be gathering around the couch and watching a movie or TV show. Others may prefer interactive video games that can bring the family together and can promote bonding in ways similar to board games. The internet also possesses an infinite treasure trove of resources that can greatly enhance education and our general quality of life. This technology mainly becomes problematic once we fail to monitor it properly and allow it to spiral out of control. But in moderation and under control, these innovations are a series of mind-blowing inventions that dazzle the mind and can very much aid our personal and family goals.

There are organizations out there that are constantly raising awareness and promoting online safety

In recent years, parents have realized how destructive cell phones can be to their families and have decided to do something about it. “Wait Until 8^th” is a grassroots movement that encourages parents across the country to take a pledge that they will not give their children a smart device until they are at least 8 years old. It was started by Brooke Shannon and a few other parents in Austin, Texas, and works to empower parents and communities about the dangers of cell phones for kids. You can learn more about the pledge at www.waituntil8th.org.

There is also a wealth of resources for parents that are concerned about their children’s online safety. The National Cyber Security Alliance, Project Safe Childhood, and National Center for Missing and Exploited Children all help spread awareness about internet safety and the consequences of careless internet surfing. It should be a goal of every parent to stay technologically literate and up to date about which websites their children are visiting and the apps that they use.

Make technology work for you, as opposed to working for it

Our world is changing faster than we can adapt to it, and smart phones are no exception. New technology always presents new challenges, especially when it can take so long to thoroughly research the effects that this technology can have on our minds and bodies. It is important to always stay technologically literate so that we may provide the best quality of life that we can for our families. Technology, above all else, is a double-edged sword.

References

1. “Children and Media Tips from the American Academy of Pediatrics.” org, 1 May 2018, www.aap.org/en-us/about-the-aap/aap-press-room/news-features-and-safety-tips/Pages/Children-and-Media-Tips.aspx.
2. “What Screen Time Can Really Do to Kids’ Brains.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/behind-online-behavior/201604/what-screen-time-can-really-do-kids-brains.

She stood at the edge of the abyss, the blinding darkness engulfing her, enticing her. It would be easy to let go, to wither away and join him. Her arms felt numb, and her powerful legs were weak. Violent tremors traveled up and down her body. A small compelling hand, wet with tears, tugged on her arm. “What will we do now?” a quavering voice whispered. She opened her eyes. The sky was a cerulean blue, and the blazing sun was beating on her torn straw hat, casting a slender shadow on the spring green rice fields. Her rapid heart was calmed by a wind that caressed her cheek. To her dead husband, to her children, to Vietnam, she dropped the condolence letter, and with her feet firmly planted on the ground, said, “We will live.”

To say it was easy is an understatement. Raising five kids as a single mother, in a country where women are expected to be docile, seemed infeasible. “I was taught at a young age that men were the head of the household, they were the heroes of the family,” Diep Ngo, aged 80, recalls sadly, her eyes distant. “I felt helpless. My brothers were charting new paths, while I was still, unable to move.” With a suppressed sob, Ngo recounts that at the twilight hour, she would drown with dark thoughts, but every morning when the sun rose, they would be vanquished. The roosters were the reveille that awakened her slumber, her empty stomach was the battle cry, and the last words of hope from her departed beloved, the mantra that carried her on. 

The war took its toll on the civilians of Vietnam; it was a disease that plagued families with deaths and injuries. Young girls were jailbirds, kept busy looking after their younger siblings, torn rags their striped attire and restrictions the bars of their prison. Dreams were locked away, replaced by the basic needs crucial to survival. Even so, when asked if she would take part in the war that claimed her husband, Ngo, her mouth in a straight line and her eyes ablaze, adamantly nodded. Raising both arms until her fists were level with her head, she mustered a grimace. Her nose crinkled and teeth bared, but her eyes sparkled with humor. “Do you think anyone would’ve thought twice about taking me on?”

Scraping bits and pieces of broken memories from her childhood, Ngo recalls that the only freedom she truly had was that from the pressures of education. “I never did well in school. Women were not expected to accomplish anything, so it was highly unusual for a women to achieve higher education.” Now, it seems clear that this supposed freedom transformed itself into another burden upon her shoulders, for she had to take on menial tasks when drafted into the position of “man.” For the first time in her life, she left the cage built by the patriarchal society and refused wealthy suitors. “They were bloated with pride… I would never submit to any man like that.” Ngo was ridiculed by her neighbors as a result, but she felt a strange sensation, absent from her life ever since the fateful, disappointed sigh that accompanied the doctor declaring her gender 80 years ago: the jewel of independence.

“As their father was gone, I had to step into the role of the provider. Oh, what a burden it was, but the power and purpose it gave me fueled the sleepless nights.”

Before the age of 30, her long, black hair turned a platinum gray, and impending wrinkles scarred her face as the war robbed her of youth. A moment to weep or reconcile with memories of loved ones was lost in the present.

“Losing my husband was truly hard, but myself, and other women of Vietnam, had to choke back grief and look to the future,” she remarked. Leaving the house militarily before the sun rose and coming back well after the crescent moon silently loomed in the sky, the only thing Ngo regrets is not spending as much time with her children. But, what she had to do was necessary, as every day was a battle. Even so, how could she explain to them the rough calluses on her hands, which toiled tirelessly, tending the infested wounds left after the hungry bullets pierced the heart of Vietnam? How could she explain yet another outline of a large palm on her red cheek, this time from an angry customer, unsatisfied by the knee-length trousers she had spent all night mending?

Through it all, she remained an eternal warrior, whose struggles rivaled those of men fighting raging wars. Diep Ngo battled gender inequality and injustice, all while leading her family through desperate times. An old poem by Xuân Diệu filled her thoughts as America, the land of rebirth and opportunities, slowly emerged on the horizon: “Your feet have hardly tread round this way… Open your arms to clasp the spring, then from your hand let there be light” (translated by Thomas D. Le). And for the first time since her husband’s death, she welcomed the moist tears, for the valiant soldier’s burden had been lifted. Her dauntless mission was complete. 

I’m forever grateful for her valiant decision to bypass social stereotypes and become a sort-of soldier, leading her family to survival, to new opportunities, to an education, to happiness, to America. It’s a natural, humane feeling that is respectful of the wisdom, the strength, and the sacrifices of the old. Every evening, after the tiring cycle of school, I retreat back into my place of comfort: my grandmother’s arms, and for the past 17 years, her past life was but a false, beautiful painting, rid of pain and hardships and suffering. That one night, under a blanket of softly twinkling stars, I retraced her hands, touching them, caressing them, tracing her old, calloused, scarred fingers and her bulging veins, to finally realize the truth: that there was so much I didn’t know about my hero.

As I sit and wait for my day of judgment,
I ponder the future.

Can I continue to live my life as I dream and desire?
Or will I remain doomed to a lifetime of cries
and days of gloom?

People say that I am arrogant and full of myself.
I say that if you really know me and my life,
you would understand the struggle that lies within my heart.

Living as I do, I have to be this way.
Not able to shed tears, for fear
that my moment of weakness will appear.
Trying to remain hard,
not to show my cards
so that I can have another day of happiness with my kids.

Learning how to be a mother and a woman above all,
and yearning for the life of a family: I so desperately need that.

But I have to put my past life behind me
and never look back.

I can’t live the past and feel peace within my heart,
because if the streets don’t wear me down,
the nightmares will tear me apart.

They say crying heals the soul.
I wonder how true that is.
I cry every night in hopes that I get my soul back.

This is a two-way street, so speak—
but I am sorry to say,
it can only go one way.

Gasparetto (not his real name)[1] was a young Turkish medical student when he was arrested and imprisoned for eight months by Turkey’s government, merely for his connection to the Hizmet, a social movement inspired by Fethullah Gülen and Sufi thought, which Turkey’s President Erdoğan blamed for the July 15, 2016 coup attempt. While incarcerated, Gasparetto experienced a range of feelings—heightened spirituality and camaraderie with others, but also devastating emotional torture at the hands of prison guards. In prison, they had crammed 57 people into a room meant for 12, and so the inmates took turns sleeping and sharing beds. He was only given permission to leave his cell on four occasions over an eight-month period. He asked his family to bring National Geographic magazines to him so that he could see color photographs of the outside world. The worst part was that his mother, who suffers from bipolar disorder, was unable to manage her own medications at home because of the stress, and rapidly deteriorated during his absence. Sadly, as soon as Gasparetto was released, he knew he would soon likely be rearrested, and so he planned his escape from Turkey via the dangerous Evros River, known as the “refugee cemetery.”[2] Crossing the river on a flimsy inflatable boat, he was terrified he would drown in the rushing currents, as far too many had before him, or be thrown back into prison again by Turkish soldiers, before his boat reached Greece.

I met him in Greece during the summer of 2018, where I had travelled to interview other refugees of Erdoğan’s ongoing purge. According to Mehmet, a Hizmet representative there, approximately 800 Turkish refugee families are temporarily residing in Greece (the number fluctuates), hoping to gain asylum somewhere, anywhere, in Europe. At least 41,500 Turks have already reached Europe to seek refuge after the attempted coup, and many more are still desperately trying to reach safety and gain asylum there.[3]

Firdevs, a former teacher who crossed the river with her three children, told me that after arriving in Greece, she kissed the first tree she saw. She felt her burdens lifting, and that at that moment she could breathe for the first time in two years. “All Turkish refugees are thankful to the people of Greece,” Mehmet explained to me.

Due to its strategic location and (relative) hospitality as of June 2018, Greece houses approximately 60,000 refugees.[4] From January to September 2018 alone, over 23,000 refugees, most of them (72%) from Syria, Iraq (including Syrian and Iraqi Yazidis and Kurds), and Afghanistan, came to Greece by sea.[5] Others risked the treacherous Evros River—from January to May, 2018, 7,200 refugees survived the crossing to Greece.[6] When asylum seekers arrive, often exhausted, hungry, and thirsty, unfortunately many find conditions in the refugee camps less than ideal. Crowded, squalid, and dirty, the camps nonetheless offer refuge for those awaiting their asylum decisions. Residents have complained that living in the camps can be dangerous: there have been reports of physical and sexual assault, threats of violence, and a rise in mental health problems.[7]

One of the worst examples is the Moria Camp, on the island of Lesbos. It is supposed to house 2,000 refugees, but as of August, 2018, it houses four times that many, and sexual harassment and assault are commonplace.[8] It also reeks—there is one toilet for every seventy people. Some have lived there for over two years. Many, including children, are suicidal.[9] The same camp recently witnessed violence against Kurdish refugees by Arabs, in which over seventy Kurds were injured, at least ten left in critical condition, mirroring sectarian violence against Kurds in Syria and Iraq, at the hands of religious extremists.[10]

My 9-day trip was marred by several tragedies. The day before I arrived, fires in the region of East Attica, near Rafina, horrifyingly killed 99 people,[11] with 200 more being injured.[12] In two separate incidents around the duration of my stay seven Turkish refugees, including children, lost their lives drowning in the Evros trying to reach safety in Greece. For days one Turkish father, Murat Akcabay,[13] who had survived the trip while the rest of his family fell into the water after the boat hit a rock, prayed that one of his three sons, five year-old Mesut, who had been wearing a life vest when he fell off the boat, would still be alive. The bodies of his wife and two sons had already been recovered.[14] Sadly, during my trip, Mesut’s body was also found.

Despite the problems faced by the Turkish refugee community in Greece, which include trauma, financial difficulties, displacement, grief, depression, and an uncertain future, those I spoke with were deeply concerned with how to best help the Greek fire survivors and their families, in their new host country.

On a more positive note, six other Turkish refugees, one a 5-months pregnant woman, were rescued and brought to Greece after being stranded for four days without food or water on a tiny island between Turkey and Greece. Their boat sank and they made it to the island, where they slept on the muddy ground and survived by drinking river water. Another success story involved a young Turkish refugee who arrived on a boat, but his boat was pushed back towards Turkey by Greek officials (which happens on occasion). In an act of sheer desperation, he leapt off that boat into Greek waters, and to the cheers of spectators he too was rescued and brought into Greece by representatives of the UN High Committee for Refugees.

Despite the problems faced by the Turkish refugee community in Greece, which include trauma, financial difficulties, displacement, grief, depression, and an uncertain future, those I spoke with were deeply concerned with how to best help the Greek fire survivors and their families, in their new host country. They, along with the world, mourned with Greece. Another refugee, and former government official from Ankara, Çetin, explained: “The pain doesn’t differ. Language, ethnicity, religion, none of these are different. We suffered the same. When we see the pictures of the Greek babies [fire victims], we suffer just as we do when we see Turkish babies who sank in the Evros River.”

Humanitarian groups quickly began to raise funds for the survivors of the devastating fire. Help also came from an unlikely source: the Turkish refugee community. Historically, Greece and Turkey have been at odds. This has been fueled, in part, by Greek independence from the Ottoman Empire in 1832, a series of military conflicts including the Greco-Turkish war of 1912-1922, the Cyprus issue, and the current tensions between Turkey and Greece. Turkish jets have invaded Greek airspace on dozens of occasions this year alone, and the Turkish government has implied it might seek jurisdiction over islands in the Aegean occupied by Greeks.[15]

Despite that history, those refugees I interviewed were deeply grateful for the friendly welcome they received in Greece which, combined with Erdoğan’s brutal two-year purge, completely quashed any previously held feelings of Turkish superiority and/or xenophobia. Firdevs, a former teacher who crossed the river with her three children, told me that after arriving in Greece, she kissed the first tree she saw. She felt her burdens lifting, and that at that moment she could breathe for the first time in two years. “All Turkish refugees are thankful to the people of Greece,” Mehmet explained to me.

Zeynep, a divorced mother and former cook, confirmed that her refugee experience created greater empathy for others outside of those groups of people with whom she used to most identify. She said, “Before this [purge in Turkey], when we heard a refugee ship had sunk in the Aegean Sea, of course we were sorry. But we never thought that each person died had a family, children; we never humanized them, one by one. We used to just think about Turkey, what we could do for Turkey, but after this experience, we see what we can do for humanity.”

My 9-day trip was marred by several tragedies. The day before I arrived, fires in the region of East Attica, near Rafina, horrifyingly killed 99 people, with 200 more being injured. Seven Turkish refugees, including children, lost their lives drowning in the Evros trying to reach safety in Greece.

Similarly, Yesma, a former teacher, argued that being a refugee also made her more empathetic towards other refugees. She stated, “In our country we had Syrian refugees and we should have done more for them. We didn’t help them enough.” She also crossed the Evros with her family, and told me that eerily, she was able to feel the spirits of those who had drowned in it, but were never found.

Accompanying Mehmet, Gasparetto, and several other refugees with medical backgrounds, I toured the neighborhoods affected by the fire. They wanted to offer aid through their Hizmet-affiliated organization, Time to Help. In one of over at least 1,000 homes gutted by the fire, a burnt television sat askance on the living room floor, surrounded by charred furniture and debris. A brass teapot sat unscathed on a charred, round antique table. I was told that thankfully, the elderly resident of that home survived, carried out by her son.

Mehmet, who had organized the small group composed of two refugee doctors and one nurse, purchased water and paper goods to donate to Rafina’s city hall. We met with Ms. Vasiliki Beka, the Mayor’s Advisor, and Mehmet began by telling her that they were there simply to help, and that on behalf of Time to Help they could bring more doctors or whatever else was needed. He offered to organize a blood drive, paint homes, bring medicines, or provide victims’ families with financial aid. Ms. Beka graciously responded that they did not need more basic items such as clothes, food, or medicine, but rather volunteers to help clear the area of burnt wood, and of course, funds. Seemingly touched by the offers of assistance, she said that receiving global offers of support restored her faith in humanity. Exhausted, but smiling, she added: “There is more that brings us together than that which separates us.” Afterwards, the group visited a young woman in the hospital, who was badly burned on her arms and legs, and gave her mother funds to help her daughter with her medical bills.

Refugees commonly suffer from feelings of humiliation and societal uselessness because of their dependence on aid organizations, especially when they are unemployed.[16] I noticed that being able to provide help to fire victims raised the spirits of the Turkish refugees I met in Greece; indeed, Mehmet much preferred to think about ways to help the Greek victims rather than about his own refugee status, or the fact that the rest of his family still remained in Turkey. Thankfully, Gasparetto was able to reach Germany, where he hopes to continue his medical studies after learning German. While he still struggles with depression and his traumatic memories, he is one of the more fortunate. While those that fled the brutal purge in Turkey have a long road in front of them, their horrible experiences have not yet caused them to lose their humanity. In fact, being able to perform even small acts of kindness helps them move forward.

The pain doesn’t differ. Language, ethnicity, religion, none of these are different. We suffered the same. When we see the pictures of the Greek babies [fire victims], we suffer just as we do when we see Turkish babies who sank in the Evros River.

Let’s conclude this story with the words of a refugee. Ahsen, a 33-year-old psychological consultant and mother of two, listened to the stories of purge victims in Turkey before becoming a refugee herself. Her hair turned white from the stress of listening to the painful stories of others. Her Kurdish husband, a psychiatrist, cried when I interviewed him, telling me he heard stories that were so terrible he couldn’t tell them to anyone. Before fleeing Turkey via the Evros, Ahsen told her seven-year-old daughter that they were playing a game of “Survivor.” Surprised with her daughter’s adult-like demeanor during the voyage, Ahsen recalled that after reaching Greece the girl calmly asked her who had won the game. Ahsen conveyed what she had learned from the harrowing ordeal: “Passing through the Evros taught us about other people. We had heard about the refugee experiences from Afghans and Syrians, but we hadn’t experienced it [ourselves]. Also, when we came here we found that Greek people are very kind, polite, believe in humanity, and offer us respect and understanding. They also help us, which is very important. [If granted asylum], we will go and carry out more service (Hizmet) in the countries we visit. I’m sorry I left my friends in Turkey, but I learned there is a great need here as well. A new life is beginning for all of us.”

[1] All names of Turkish refugees have been changed, for their safety.

[2] Deniz Zengin, “Turkish Refugees Crossing Evros River,” Politurco, August 2, 2018.

[3] Ibid.

[4] “Greece,” UNHCR, June, 2018.

[5] “Sea Arrivals Dashboard: Greece,” UNHCR, September, 2018.

[6] Leo Dobbs, “Fewer refugees arriving in Greece’s Evros region, but problems remain,” UNHCR, June 12, 2018.

[7] “UNHCR urges action to ease conditions on Greek islands,” UNHCR, September 8, 2017.

[8] Catrin Nye and Leo Sands, “UN urges Greece to act as Moria refugee camp reaches ‘boiling point,’” BBC Victoria Derbyshire Program, August 31, 2018.

[9] Ibid.

[10] Helbast Shekhani, “Ten Syrian Kurds in critical condition after attack at refugee camp in Greece,” Kurdistan 24, May 26, 2018.

[11] “Attica’s Devastating Wildfire Death Toll Rises to 99,” Greek News, September 12, 2018.

[12] Bill Hutchinson, “Death toll from fires in Greece climbs to 91 as investigation points toward arson,” ABC News, July 29, 2018.

[13] His real name.

[14] Tasos Kokkinidis, “Turkish Father Makes Emotional Plea for Family Missing in Greek River,” Greek Reporter, July 20, 2018.

[15] Yannis Babaoulias, “Greece and Turkey Are Inching Toward War,” Foreign Policy, April 18, 2018.

[16] Constanze Quosh, Liyam Eloul, and Rawan Ajlani, “Mental health of refugees and displaced persons in Syria and surrounding countries: a systematic review,” Intervention Volume 11 (3) (November 2013).

If young adults are educated before and throughout the marriage process, relationship deterioration can be prevented in the long run.

Marriage is a common and significant life event that has serious ramifications for prosperity. Since it is a more complex phenomenon than it looks, a significant percentage of marriages end with a divorce. Even though, recent statistics show that divorce rates are going down in the United States, this is due to the fact that young couples, unfortunately, are no longer taking the oath of commitment, resulting in distorted familial structures in our society. To combat this issue, scholars have put forth premarital education programs that dramatically contribute to healthy marriages and decrease the likelihood of divorce. Researchers report that “premarital education is significantly correlated with higher levels of marital quality, lower levels of marital conflict, and lower divorce rates” (Doss, Rhoades, Stanley, 2009).

As mentioned, spending a life with a stranger, and more importantly, cooperating with him or her to fulfill the promise of being a human is a much more complex task than it looks. Individuals take on much longer preparations for far simpler undertakings, such as getting a driver’s license or taking a college test. Thus, it is only fitting that couples seek premarital counseling before stepping into one of the more intricate roles in their life. One of the documented benefits of these premarital education programs is improving partners’ communication skills. Most of the marital problems stem from lack of awareness between couples, which can be improved with better communication. Because communication is a soft skill, it is often taken for granted and individuals do not take time to fine tune their communication skills. Pre-marital education programs partly focus on couple’s ability to communicate. When each partner is aware of the other’s needs and character, communication improves. According to a recent study analyzing 23 studies on the effectiveness of premarital counseling over the past 30 years, couples receiving counseling scored 30 percent higher on tests that rated communication effectiveness and marriage satisfaction (Carroll and Doherty 2003).

Based on the existent literature, the ultimate goal of premarital education is to guide youth and adults before they decide on marrying someone. That is, once a person contemplates on the idea of marriage and before deciding on the candidate, he or she should start meeting with a counselor. The completion of the education program will further help candidates in shaping their thoughts about the necessary commitments for a considerate marriage. Young people should consider both their hearts and minds when seeking a life partner. The individual’s choice of partner’s values is crucial to know and to take into consideration in this important decision process. Also, counseling could certainly enhance the characteristics needed in the marriage such as trust, loyalty, and faithfulness.

Another benefit of premarital counseling education is that individuals gain a better understanding of how to deal with conflicts that will inevitably occur in a marriage. For instance, economic and emotional difficulties are often probable and cause problems for couples. If young adults are educated beforehand and throughout the marriage process, relationship deterioration can be prevented in the long run.

Religious perspectives on marriage

From a religious perspective, marriage could be seen as one of the most important stages in a person’s life. For instance, many Muslims believe that marriage is essential and a strong tradition of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him). Some even say that “marriage is half the religion” (Maqsood, 2000).

The value of marriage is emphasized in the Qur’an as follows: “And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in peace and tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): Verily in that are signs for those who reflect” (Qur’an 30:21). In this divine remark, not only is the power of marriage highlighted, but so is the equality of humans. In order to have a peaceful marriage, both partners need to be aware that they are created from the same source, and each partner has their own responsibilities to build a long-term union. Thus, verses in the Qur’an, and the main principles signified in other Holy Books, provide a foundation for prosperous marriages. The Bible also reflects the value of marriage in the following verse: “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).

Different forms of premarital counseling

There are many approaches to premarital education, but as Madison and Madison (2003) mention in their research, good premarital education should include 16 levels: life style expectations, friends and interests, personality match, communication, personal issues, religion/spirituality/values, problem solving, parenting, sexuality, extended family, financial issues, readiness, covenant/commitment, key problem indicators, families of origin, and dual careers.

The Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program and Relationship Evaluation Questionnaire is a great example of a resource that helps enable partners to carry out successful marriages (PREP; Stanley et al. 1999). The authors surveyed 400 churches about marriage preparation. The counselor meets the clients privately and applied four personality scales which included assertiveness, self-confidence, avoidance, and dominance. Participants in this study also answered questions regarding the quality of their parents’ marriages. The results showed that conflicted couples are reported to have the highest divorce rate (Fowers et al. 1996).

In another study, couples completed the PREPARE assessment and ended up with greater improvement in relationship satisfaction (Druckman et. al. 1979). The studies all show that couples who applied their skills learned in premarital counseling had healthier marriages. As a result, educated couples experience less issues with miscommunication and are also not as prone to divorce.

The selected studies provide three important implications for counselors to emphasize in premarital programs. Accompanied with these programs, couples are given the opportunity to improve the communication skills necessary in problem solving, working as a team, and learning to forgive one another. Men and women could also bring these communication skills to their daily lives. Such programs can also help participants focus on the ultimate purpose of marriage. Often times, especially in the modern era, young people marry for purely physical reasons. But physical considerations alone are not sufficient to sustain a long lasting, healthy relationship. And, the ultimate purpose of marriage should be helping each other to fulfill the ultimate purpose of life, which is connecting with the Creator, knowing and worshiping Him. In conclusion, couples need to dedicate themselves to work together as a team, and work on the important milestones to strengthen their marriage. Comprehensive premarital counseling can help prepare them to do this work.

References

• Carroll, J. S. and Doherty, W. J. (2003), Evaluating the Effectiveness of Premarital Prevention Programs: A Meta-Analytic Review of Outcome Research. Family Relations, 52: 105–118.
• Druckman J. M., Fournier, D. G., Robinson, B., & Olson, D. H. (1979). Effectiveness of five    types of premarital preparation programs. St. Paul, MN: Family Social Science, University of Minnesota.
• Doss, B. D., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., Markman, H. J., & Johnson, C. A. (2009) Differential use of premarital education in first and second marriages. Journal of Family Psychology,23, 268-273.
• Fowers, B. J., Montel, K. H., & Olson, D. H. (1996). Predicting marital success for premarital couple types based on PREPARE. Journal of Marital & Family Therapy, 22(1), 103-119.
• Genesis 2:24
• Madison, James K. and Lynda S. Madison, (2013). A review of Research-Based Interventions on Marriage Preparation. NY, 2013
• Maqsood, R. W. (2000). The Muslim marriage guide. Beltsville, MD:Amana Publications.
• Quran, 30:21.
• Stanley, S. M., Bloomberg, S. L., & Markman, H. J. (1999). Helping couples fight for their    marriages: The PREP approach. In M. T. Hannah (Ed.). Preventive approaches in couples therapy (pp. 279-303). Philadelphia, PA, US: Brunner/Mazel.

UNICEF defines an orphan as “a child who has lost one or both parents” (UNICEF Orphans). By this definition, UNICEF estimates that over 132 million children are orphans in sub-Saharan Africa, Asia, Latin America, and the Caribbean, not to mention the number of children in Western countries who can be encompassed with that broad definition. This definition is necessarily broad because to lose even one parent renders a child vulnerable to poverty, and educational and social neglect.

Of these many millions, roughly 13 million children are without both parents due to abandonment or death. Many of these children live with a grandparent or other family member who may be in need of support in order to care for the child or children. A portion of this 13 million are without extended family support and are served in orphanages, group homes, children’s villages, and in some communities, foster families. Some of these children are permanently integrated into the life of an unrelated family, but many are left to their own devices on the street.

What is our responsibility to orphans? As do other holy scriptures, the Qur’an makes it clear that these children are everyone’s responsibility, directly or indirectly. What is necessary and just to provide for our own children should not be denied to someone else’s child. It is not the will of God that they remain neglected or are pushed aside in society. We need to remember the numerous injunctions in the Qur’an and the teachings of the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, to care for orphans, to provide for their needs, and to treat them with justice.

In Chapter An-Nisa’ (Women), the rights of orphans are specifically protected. “[…] you must be assiduous in observing the rights of orphans. Whatever good you do, surely God has full knowledge of it” (4:127). In Chapter Al-Ma’un, caring for orphans and others in need is required of us, pointing out that the ritual of our prayers are empty without service to humanity and that this does not go unnoticed in the Last Days.

“Have you ever considered one who denies the Last Judgment? That is he who repels the orphan, and does not urge the feeding of the destitute. And woe to those worshippers (denying the Judgment), those who are unmindful in their Prayers, those who want to be seen and noted (for their acts of worship), yet deny all assistance (to their fellowmen).” (107:1-7)

The Qur’an leaves no doubt that caring for vulnerable children is a vital component of a faithful life. The rights of orphans should be carefully guarded and the impact on those who violate those rights is spiritually devastating. Additionally, orphan care is also part of how we are instructed to worship. Worship of the Creator is a broad and life encompassing experience. Our actions and the way in which we conduct our lives is a form of worship. In verse 4:36 of the Qur’an, worship is linked to how we treat people who are in need, including orphans:

“And worship God and do not associate anything as a partner with Him; and do good to your parents in the best way possible, and to the relatives, orphans, the destitute, the neighbor who is near (in kinship, location, faith), the neighbor who is distant (in kinship and faith), the companion by your side (on the way, in the family, in the workplace, etc.), the wayfarer, and those who are in your service…” (4:36).

If we do not “do good” to vulnerable children, we are neglecting an explicit component of worship, according to the verse above.

The UNICEF definition of an orphan as given in the beginning is largely in line with the historical definition within mainstream Islamic jurisprudence. The Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, himself lost his father before he was born and lived with a foster family (a common practice at the time, not necessarily due to one’s status as an orphan) as an infant until both his mother and foster parents deemed it wise for him to stay with his mother. At age six, he then lost his mother to illness. Imagine the constant transition, loss, social insecurity, and sorrow, all by age six. He suffered in the same manner as countless children do today. The tribe had the responsibility to provide for the needs of orphaned children, but handling such loss was a trial then as it is now – a challenge requiring spiritual as well as material care.

The experience of the Prophet is a vital and divine example clearly expressed in the Qur’an to elicit emotion and commitment, directed to both Muhammad, peace be upon him, and to all humanity. The Qur’an makes an example of God’s Messenger and his experience as an orphan in Chapter Ad-duha (The Forenoon):

“Did He not find you an orphan and give shelter (to you)? And find you unguided and guide you? And find you in want and make you self-sufficient? Therefore, do not oppress the orphan; nor chide and drive away the petitioner.” (93:6-10)

The Prophet also praised the ones who take care of orphans: “I and the person who looks after an orphan and provides for him, will be in Paradise like this,” putting his index and middle fingers together (Bukhari).

Adoption and kafala

The full reality of adoption laws and practice interact with a web of issues including children’s rights, human psychology, local culture, international and national laws, family and cultural identity, religious concerns, and even property and inheritance rights. When circumstance denies a relationship with a biological family, only culture prevents many children from being embraced by the deepest friendship of care and protection in a family setting, regardless of birth. Islam itself does not prevent this.

What Islam does is to protect the rights of orphans to know their origins and protects them against manipulation for the gain of those caring for them. All their needs are to be provided for with dignity, mercy, and justice.

One of the primary difficulties faced in conversations about “adoption” between parties in the West and traditionally Muslim communities is simply how we define the term “adoption.” In the West, the term “adoption” (or equivalent word in varying languages) carries different meanings depending on the circumstances of a particular family. It can range from a situation shrouded in secrecy where a child is never told that he or she is adopted to a situation in which there is ongoing personal contact with the biological family of the child who are, for one reason or another, unable or unwilling to care for the child themselves. Legal adoption, at least in the United States, does mean that the child will automatically inherit from the adoptive parents (and not from the biological parents) in the event of their death, and it is increasingly rare for there to be no acknowledgement of the child’s heritage. Of course, a will written by either the biological or adoptive family would allocate the distribution of inheritance in any way that the parents desire, overriding an automatic distribution. These are relatively small details that have straightforward solutions if they are in conflict with Islamic ethics.

A primary concern about “adoption” according to the Muslim community is that it erases the biological family. This is not necessarily so as practiced in the United States. Adoption is a legal construct that provides permanency in a child’s living situation and cultural experience. It allows for a consistent and potentially deeply bonded emotional and social experience that an orphanage or foster care does not provide. The outcome for children who grow up in a family which is committed to their care is significantly more positive than for those who grow up in institutional care. Statistics supporting this assertion began to be widely publicized in the United States beginning in the early twentieth century. None of this precludes ongoing contact with the child’s heritage.

Many of the stipulations regarding family care of an orphan in traditional Islamic family law are very similar to what is known as “open” adoption in the West, an arrangement in which full disclosure about identity is required and in some cases even allows for ongoing interaction between the adopted child and their family of origin. Experience has shown that some level of openness provides a better outcome over time for the well being of the child. The other side of the coin is “closed” adoption in which all ties to the child’s biological family are severed, even to the point of not informing them that they are adopted. This is what is forbidden in Islamic law and in practice is more traumatizing for the child than open adoption.

The traditional form of “adoption” in Islamic jurisprudence is called kafala. Kafala is very similar to open adoption or legal guardianship in that a child’s identity is always maintained and respected. It is a form of guardianship which resembles foster-parenting, but is more stable. It is defined as, “The commitment to voluntarily take care of the maintenance, of the education, and of the protection of a minor, in the same way a parent would do for a child,” but maintains recognition of the child’s family background, including automatic inheritance rights (Shura Council). Even in a fully legal adoption in the Western context, if the arrangements are “open,” there is no mystery as to the child’s origins.

Both open adoption and kafala provide care for children in a stable manner that is ongoing and provides the network and knowledge of family life that we require in order to fully function throughout our lives.

An additional difference between adoption in the West and kafala is that Western adoption views adopted children as unmarriageable to members of the adoptive family. Any relationship between adopted children and members of the adopting family would be considered incest. This is not technically so under the kafala system. Non-related children raised in one’s home are technically considered “marriageable” (non-mahram), though it is important to realize that this does not mean such a marriage should take place or will. This is perhaps one of the greatest barriers for families who might otherwise decide to raise orphans in their home.

Concern over issues of privacy can inhibit families from caring for orphans long-term in their homes. I have encountered this concern as a reason to not take in orphans despite there being no actual discouragement from doing so in Islamic jurisprudence. In the abstract, without an actual child in front of you, it is easy to worry about privacy for individuals who are non-mahram and the desire to be relaxed within one’s own home. A place to start in approaching this issue is to keep in mind the strong injunction to provide for the needs of orphans and the well-documented observation that children are cared best when they have an experience of family-life that they feel entitled to and caregivers who are uniquely committed to their welfare. Concern about privacy does not cancel out this necessity and people should draw a balance between responding to this need while maintaining their privacy.

There are many cultural dynamics that are intermingled with religious practice in relation to matters of privacy, dress code, and behavior in a family. Many cases of sexual abuse are a result of psychiatric disorders and social ties are as important as blood ties. The Qur’an clearly encourages treating orphans as brothers and sisters when interacting with orphans. A sudden segregation of an adopted child at puberty may cause severe damage to the child and other members of the household. Yet, it is necessary to be cautious and observe prescriptions that relate to intermixing within the family to avoid privacy violations. Thus, it is important to develop a very finely tuned relationship in the case of adoption where transition to adulthood may cause sensitive zones to arise among the household. Parents should be extremely careful during such times and never compromise from sincere affection to the adopted kid.

Each individual situation requires wisdom and a sincere desire to meet the needs of adopted children and other household members. We all have a responsibility to contribute directly or indirectly to orphan care. We need to deeply consider adoption alternatives in the care of children so that they have a safe haven within the community. The ability of communities to care for their most vulnerable is an indicator of spiritual health. Flexibility and faith in the All-Merciful while trying to understand the meanings of our scriptures are vital in practicing a religion. If our cultural practices place barriers between us and fulfilling the ordinances of the scripture, we need to re-evaluate our cultural practices with courage and immediacy.

Bibliography

• Bukhari. (n.d.). Retrieved 08 08, 2013, from Bukhari Collection Volume 8, Book 73, Number 34: http://www.searchtruth.com/book_display.php?book=73translator=1start=0number=34
• McCabe, J. (1983). FBD Marriage: Further Support for the Westermarck Hypothesis of the Incest Taboo? American Anthropologist , 85, 50-69.
• Shepher, J. (1983). Incest: A Biosocial View.
• Shura Council, M. W. (n.d.). Adoption and the Care of Orphan Children: Islam and the Best Interests of the Child. Retrieved 08 08, 2013, from wisemuslimwomen.org: http://www.wisemuslimwomen.org/images/activism/Adoption_(August_2011)_Final.pdf
• Unal, A. (2006). The Qur’an with Annotated Interpretation in Modern English. New Jersey: Light.
• UNICEF, Orphans. (n.d.). Orphans. Retrieved 08 08, 2013, from Unicef: http://www.unicef.org/media/media_45279.html

Consanguinity itself does not make an individual “sick,” but it affects the probability of an autosomal recessive disorder (which requires two copies of the same mutation) if there is such a mutation which runs within the family (with the word “if” emphasized). Consanguinity should be regarded as a complex issue due to socio-economic factors and health concerns.

In clinical genetics, unions between individuals who are second cousins or closer are considered “consanguineous” (inbreeding coefficient, F 0.0156). Incestuous unions (e.g. brother-sister, father-daughter) will not be included in the description of consanguinity in this article, and are obviously outlawed in every society and faith.

Speaking from a statistical geneticist’s perspective, consanguinity affects the probabilities of certain genotypes occurring in offspring. For example, approximately 6.25% (F = 0.0625) of the alleles (a variation at a particular location in the genome) are expected to be homozygous in the offspring of first cousins; and 12.5% (F = 0.125) in the offspring of double first cousins. See Figure 1 for different types of consanguineous unions.

Historically speaking, consanguinity must have been unavoidable during the initial stages of mankind. However, even when human population sizes reached considerable figures, there is a great deal of evidence that consanguineous unions/marriages were widely practiced in ancient societies, especially amongst the ruling and/or land owning elite. For example, many Egyptian Pharaohs, Holy Roman Emperors, and members of the Spanish Habsburg dynasty used within-family unions as a way to keep the wealth, “royal blood,” and/or “edification” within the family. 1-3 However, this is not to say taboos did not exist in other populations.

Though now taboo in Western countries, first cousin marriages were not uncommon in Europe and North America until the mid-19th century, again especially among individuals with high socio-economic status 7. For instance, Darwin married his first cousin, Emma (Wedgwood), in 1839. Yet, in the later half of the 19th century, scientific debates led to marriage between cousins being banned in 12 US states. 7,8

Consanguineous unions occur very rarely in Western countries for a variety of sociological (e.g. cultural) and statistical reasons, but the complete opposite is true in certain regions of the world where union of kin is seen as the default choice, for a variety of socio-economic reasons. Analysis of currently available data suggests that over one-tenth of the world’s current population is composed of families where the parents are related as second cousins or closer 7.

Although a great majority of consanguineous families do not produce deficient offspring, it is still true that there is a risk of unions with close relatives.

The genetic risk comes from the fact that union of kin results in an increase of homozygosity (or more correctly autozygosity) in the offspring, which translates into a higher chance of being homozygous for any allele within the family gene pool. If any of these alleles are autosomal recessive mutations, this increase in probability applies to these alleles also. This simple fact is the main difference between union of kin and union of unrelated individuals (coined the name “inbreeding depression”); as there are many disease causal mutations out there in outbreeding populations (e.g. in Western populations), 21 but because they are very rare, they do not get to meet their counterpart in the union of unrelated individuals, thus their homozygous effects are never seen. This is why extremely rare autosomal recessive disorders are mostly seen in regions where consanguinity levels are high.

Despite the risk of heritable disease (albeit small, as discussed above), why are consanguineous marriages still common in many populations? There are many factors including socio-economic, ethno-cultural, religious and geographical; however the former duo (i.e. social and economic factors) seems to be key.17 Sociological studies in communities with high consanguinity rates show that the relationship between the husband and wife was found to be stable due to higher compatibility of life style, social relationships, and the family members from both sides. It is believed that consanguinity can also result in more female autonomy4 through better relationships with her in-laws as they can support her in times of need,17,22 Families concerned with the transmission of cultural values may also seem to practice it more. Consanguinity is a social reality of many communities. It relates to a number of social dynamics in respective cultural habitats with quite a number communal and health consequences. It is significant to be aware of these dynamics and consequences to be able to make a fair analysis on cultures and lifestyles unknown to us.

References

1. Alvarez, G., Ceballos, F.C. & Quinteiro, C. The role of inbreeding in the extinction of a European royal dynasty. PLoS One 4, e5174 (2009).

2. Ceballos, F.C. & Alvarez, G. Royal dynasties as human inbreeding laboratories: the Habsburgs. Heredity (Edinb) 111, 114-21 (2013).

3. Paul, D.B. & Spencer, H.G. “It’s Ok, We’re Not Cousins by Blood”: The Cousin Marriage Controversy in Historical Perspective. PLoS Biol 6, e320 (2008).

4. Bittles, A.H. A Background Summary of Consanguineous Marriages. Available online: http://consang.net/images/d/dd/01AHBWeb3.pdf (2001).

5. Tadmouri, G.O. et al. Consanguinity and reproductive health among Arabs. Reprod Health 6, 17 (2009).

6. Bittles, A.H., Mason, W.M., Greene, J. & Rao, N.A. Reproductive behavior and health in consanguineous marriages. Science 252, 789-94 (1991).

7. Bittles, A.H. & Black, M.L. Consanguinity, human evolution, and complex diseases. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences 107, 1779-1786 (2010).

8. Ottenheimer, M. Forbidden relatives: the American myth of cousin marriage, (University of Illinois Press, 1996).

9. Imaizumi, Y. A recent survey of consanguineous marriages in Japan. Clin Genet 30, 230-3 (1986).

10. Bener, A. & Alali, K.A. Consanguineous marriage in a newly developed country: the Qatari population. J Biosoc Sci 38, 239-46 (2006).

11. al-Gazali, L.I. et al. Consanguineous marriages in the United Arab Emirates. J Biosoc Sci 29, 491-7 (1997).

12. Jurdi, R. & Saxena, P.C. The prevalence and correlates of consanguineous marriages in Yemen: similarities and contrasts with other Arab countries. J Biosoc Sci 35, 1-13 (2003).

13. Hamamy, H. et al. Consanguineous marriages, pearls and perils: Geneva International Consanguinity Workshop Report. Genet Med 13, 841-7 (2011).

14. BITTLES, A.H. WHEN COUSINS MARRY: A REVIEW OF CONSANGUINITY IN THE MIDDLE EAST. in Perspectives in Human Biology 71-83 (1995).

15. Tuncbilek, E. & Koc, I. Consanguineous marriage in Turkey and its impact on fertility and mortality. Ann Hum Genet 58, 321-9 (1994).

16. de Costa, C. Pregnancy outcomes in Lebanese-born women in western Sydney. Med J Aust 149, 457-60 (1988).

17. Darr, A. & Modell, B. The frequency of consanguineous marriage among British Pakistanis. J Med Genet 25, 186-90 (1988).

18. Hoodfar, E. & Teebi, A.S. Genetic referrals of Middle Eastern origin in a western city: inbreeding and disease profile. J Med Genet 33, 212-5 (1996).

19. Wikipedia.org. Cousin marriage law in the United States by state. Vol. 2013 (2013). http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cousin_marriage_law_in_the_United_States_by_state

20. Hashmi, M.A. Frequency of consanguinity and its effect on congenital malformation–a hospital based study. J Pak Med Assoc 47, 75-8 (1997).

21. Ng, S.B. Targeted capture and massively parallel sequencing of 12 human exomes. Nature 461, 272-276 (2009).

22. Hussain, R. & Bittles, A.H. The prevalence and demographic characteristics of consanguineous marriages in Pakistan. J Biosoc Sci 30, 261-75 (1998).

23. Bittles, A.H. et al. Consanguineous marriage, a familiar story full of surprises. in Health and Ethnicity (eds. Macbeth, H. & Shetty, P.) 68-78 (Taylor & Francis, 2001).

24. Clark, C.J., Hill, A., Jabbar, K. & Silverman, J.G. Violence during pregnancy in Jordan: its prevalence and associated risk and protective factors. Violence Against Women 15, 720-35 (2009).

25. Assaf, S. & Khawaja, M. Consanguinity trends and correlates in the Palestinian Territories. J Biosoc Sci 41, 107-24 (2009).

26. Ober, C., Hyslop, T. & Hauck, W.W. Inbreeding effects on fertility in humans: evidence for reproductive compensation. Am J Hum Genet 64, 225-31 (1999).

27. Bittles, A. Consanguinity and its relevance to clinical genetics. Clin Genet 60, 89-98 (2001).

28. Dyer, O. MP is criticised for saying that marriage of first cousins is a health problem. BMJ 331, 1292 (2005).

Now I am going to ask you a “Fill in the Blank” question. There are political, economic, cultural, oppressive, feminist-based, family guidance-based, place of birth-based, religious, sociological reasons why woman… (Fill in the blank with: Cover or not cover their hair)

To understand the issue of head covering it is important to realize not all women choose to cover or not cover based on the same reasons. For example a woman may cover simply because she was born in a village in Sivas, Turkey, and this may come naturally. She will see it as something people in her family have been doing for hundreds of years, and might not even give a second thought to the practice. A woman born in Utah, USA may not cover because she has never seen anyone doing it in her family and might not even think about it. Both of these women are not consciously given decisions. They are just the way they are.

Another example may be that a woman in Pakistan, going to a more religious school, may cover not to stand out because she is afraid of peer pressure. And a woman in England going to a liberal school may be afraid of covering because she will stand out and be subjected to a different form of peer pressure.

In different sects of Christianity, Judaism, or Sikhism women may choose to cover their hair. Similarly, they may choose to shave their head if they are practicing Buddhism. Some Muslim women may cover, and others may not. So as you see, the argument about to cover or not to cover is really endless, and as far as I am concerned, is a time consuming debate which could go both ways depending on who is arguing it, and why they are arguing it. Arguments will usually take people nowhere because people going into the argument already have a predetermined opinion. During an argument, the only thing they are focusing on is defeating their opponent. So they are constantly thinking of coming up with new ways to prove why “they are right”, and even if they have not been able to convince their opponent by the end of the argument, they have convinced themselves even further by finding 100 more reasons on why “they are right.” So no, I am not here to offer you my argument on the topic. But instead I am here to share. I will share why I choose to cover and what I feel when I cover, realizing this is utterly personal. I am not speaking on behalf of all Muslim women, nor am I speaking on behalf of what is the right thing to do. I am speaking on behalf of my experience with the Muslim veil; so I can grow, and perhaps you can grow, and by the end perhaps we might be a little more inspired compared to our starting point before this article.

I come from an international family, so I was not raised Muslim. I embraced Islam at the age of 22, only a couple of years ago. My encounter with Islam didn’t come from my family or friends, but it was rather personal. I see it as something that was meant to be and so it happened.

In the days when I used to do makeup and my hair, I would say I could bring some attention to myself; yet no matter how much I dressed up, there was always a woman more beautiful than me in my immediate surroundings. Before submitting to Islam, I did try to compete and shine and draw attention, and I really think that was necessary for me to understand the meaning behind veiling.

It happened very suddenly. I was a student, doing my bachelor’s in the USA. I didn’t really think about it, nor did I really weigh the consequences. One night, I was turning in my bed, from left to right, right to left, unable to sleep and the next day I went out of the house with a black scarf on my head combined with a Victoria’s Secret hoodie and loose jeans, to meet my friend. I texted my friend before meeting her; my text said: “Hey, so I don’t want to shock you, but I am coming to meet you with a Muslim head scarf.” So that is how my story started. But I am not writing to tell you my story; I want to write about the state of worship I feel after I covered.

There is no doubt that female beauty was created by God in such a manner that it almost screams out the beauty of the Divine. And yet, just as many ideologies such as Feminism have pointed out, female beauty and sexuality has been turned into a matter of pure arrogance between woman, dictated by an industry run by men, whose only desire is to make money out of it. To use it and abuse it. Unfortunately, something so Divine, has been turned into something so shallow. They have used it to sell their products and they have used it to control power. And I had bought their story: this is how I know the amount of damage it can cause to a woman. Because it also damaged me. A lot.

I was created fairly beautiful, but instead of being thankful for it, I always competed with it. Sexuality and beauty had turned into things I would compete for, things that I would look at jealously in other women, and realize other women envied in me. It was a cruel competition, when women’s magazines constantly bombarded me beauty products, fashion, surgical and non surgical ways to beautify myself so that I could hold my man’s eyes upon myself. Things I needed to do so he wouldn’t cheat on me. Then I would turn the page, simply turn one thin layer of paper to come across an article about self confidence and the keys to feel beautiful and sexy the way you are. Between two millimeters of thickness lay two incredibly huge concepts that women have been enslaved to. We’ve produced this race that nobody will ever win; and that is the exact point of producing it in the first place. Feeding our ego that makes us feel so good when we declare our beauty to the world, and betrays us when something better comes along.

My aim with my veil is to internalize the philosophy of Rumi, who said, “Die before you die.” I tell myself: “It’s ok, there is no race, step aside. Be humble. Keep your beauty within. Liberate yourself from things that don’t matter. Be afraid that one of your sisters may feel pain in her heart because she feels less because of your beauty. Understand that the most precious creation in this Universe is a human heart. Be sensitive toward the women who have lost their families because of the cruel sexuality games. Be sensitive to those who are going through the pain of anorexia. Care for the ones who are depressed because of their weight. Care for the women who have been used and abused by rich business man only to be thrown away like a piece of garbage and who are feeling lost and empty inside. Don’t judge the women who don’t cover. Don’t judge women who have sexual relationships in return for money. Don’t judge anorexic women trying to models. But instead, care for them. Be sensitive to their feelings, to their inner battles. Step aside from the silent completion that is going on between them, hide your sexuality and let women who are in the competition feel safe in your presence. Be their shelter. Allow her to look at you and know that you are out of the game. Try to give her a moment of peace while she is with you because only God knows the struggles she is going through. Suppress your ego. Know that your value does not depend on how you look but depends on your spirituality. Take every part of ego in your heart and crush it. Crush your desire to be superior to other human beings, in every single aspect. Internalize it in every possible aspect of your life, including spirituality, physical beauty, success, fame or money. Love them, care for them, nourish them. So before going out from your house, first wear your veil over your heart that will protect it from the evil in the world, then complete it with your physical veil. Be at peace. Smile like the Virgin Mary…”

And quite surprisingly, when I was in the Western world, the moment I tried smiling like Mary, I would encounter people acting like Jesus. I am in no means saying veiling is the only way to accomplish this, but I am saying that veiling, together with other practices, has led me to this path and I am very thankful for it. Veiling has become a means of healing for my heart. And for the first time in my life, I felt satisfied with how I looked, which led to self confidence and internal peace. No matter what I say, I can’t express myself better than Rumi did, so I will finish with a quote from him:

“With God two ‘I’s cannot form. You say ‘I’ and he says ‘I’. Either you die before him, or let him die before you, then duality would not remain. But it is impossible for him to die, either subjectively or objectively, since he is the ever living God, the undying. He possesses such gentleness, that if it was possible, He would die before you so that duality may vanish. But since it is impossible for him to die, you die, so He may manifest himself to you and duality may vanish.”