Many of us must have watched a video in which a mother antelope is sacrificing herself when she saw a crocodile was approaching from behind her fawns.

Such incidences in the animal kingdom draw our attention to the innate feeling of compassion in humans and its effects on other emotions. A human whose feeling of compassion has dried up cannot show the sacrifice that the antelope has shown to her little fawns—not toward others, not even to their offspring. Studies in the field of psychology have established important facts about compassion and its effect on other emotions, especially forgiveness. When internalized, the feeling of affection plays a central role and positively influences other feelings. When this feeling dries up, a person becomes more susceptible to evil or cruel acts. American psychologist Kristin Neff gives the example of a battery when describing compassion toward our beloved ones and friends. She asserts that acquiring this emotion is a way of emotionally recharging our batteries and says that compassion strengthens our tendencies to forgive the wrongdoings of our friends.

It is striking that Ms. Neff considers forgiveness and compassion from the point of one’s close circle of friends. According to her, an internalized compassion makes forgiving easier and, to an extent, gives us the opportunity to heal the emotional wounds caused by others. However, by stressing that forgiving doesn’t mean giving up defending our rights, Neff also points out the need to keep balance between compassion, forgiveness, and justice [1]. When a criminal act is committed, a personal or public right is violated. People tried and found guilty by an independent, just, and impartial court must be penalized.

Source of bad intentions

Psychotherapist Beverly Engel, who has written books on emotions, draws attention to the complications that a lack of compassion can cause in human psychology. According to her, the source of every evil desire in individuals is a deficiency of compassion. Beverly Engel states that reinvigorating the feeling of compassion can help healing other emotions that have been damaged [2]. For Tara Brach, to be compassionate means to be courageous—to love ourselves, each other, and the whole world [3].

Norwegian Theologians Einar Berg and Oddbjørn Leirvik, who conduct research about Islam, investigate the religious grounds that compassion can blossom upon and link this feeling with the Holy Qur’an and its unequalled representative Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him). Leirvik compares Prophet Muhammad’s forgiveness to Prophet Joseph (peace be upon him); just like Joseph forgave his brothers who had treated him cruelly, Leirvik reminds us that Prophet Muhammad forgave his enemies when he conquered Mecca [4]. According to Berg, compassion and forgiveness are what the Holy Qur’an often emphasizes [5]. Berg sheds light on the feeling of compassion by highlighting the following verse: “Inform My servants that I am the Forgiver, the Merciful” (Surah Hijr – The Rock- verse 49).

As also mentioned by Berg, in Islam a great emphasis is placed on compassion and forgiveness – for forgiveness is a manifestation of compassion. God introduces Himself to us with His divine names al-Rahman (the Gracious) and al-Raheem (the Merciful). Many verses of the Qur’an mention God’s blessed name, al-Rauf (the most Benevolent, most Compassionate) [6]. Manifestations of these divine names can be seen to the utmost level in Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him), who is described as “the Sun of Compassion” and “the Prophet of Mercy.”

Al-Ragheb al-Isfahani and Al-Jawhari (two prominent Muslim scholars) state that compassion and mercy are the most significant attributes of our Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him). They explain that the word “Rahma” in the verse, “We did not send you except as mercy to mankind” (Surah Anbiya -The Prophets- verse 107), means deep affection and kindness which require being tender-hearted, forgiving, and beneficent [7]. For this reason, Muslim scholars often refer to the following Hadith of Prophet Muhammad: “God the Gracious treats with mercy and kindness those who treat each other with feelings of mercy. (So) you act with mercy and kindness toward those on earth so that those in heavens shall show you mercy” [8].

Real chivalry

Fudayl bin Iyadh, too, addresses forgiveness relating to close friends and says that real chivalry is to forgive the faults of one’s companions. Wahb bin Munabbih mentions compassion together with benignity and states that, “Compassion is the twin sister of benignity” [9]. According to Imam Ghazali, one believer forgiving another believer’s mistakes is one of the rights of brotherhood [10].

In the teachings of Bediuzzaman Said Nursi, compassion has an important place. For him, compassion is one of the “fastest and safest” ways leading us to truth, and it is also one of the principles among the laws established in nature. He states that compassion has an all-comprehensive truth and acts as a mirror for the divine name al-Rahim (The Merciful). A person whose senses and emotions have gained integrity and wholeness, begins showing affection, not only to his or her own offspring but to all innocent beings. Bediuzzaman draws attention to the point that compassion is a sincere, pure, and gratuitous feeling that does not expect any return, and shows animals’ adorable and self-denying affection toward their little babies as evidence for this fact [11].

When we consider the mercy and compassion of Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, we see that correctly and properly fulfilling the duty of conveying and instructing the divine message is strongly linked with earnest compassion and tender mercy. No matter when they live, it is absolutely fundamental for the conveyors of this divine message to never deviate from this path [12]. Scholar Fethullah Gülen reminds that Islam advises forgiving by any means possible, not to surrender to the urges of grudge or hatred, and to never be possessed by the feeling of revenge [13].

References

1. 1. Kristin Neff, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, 2011.
2. Beverly Engel, It Wasn’t Your Fault, New Harbinger Publications. 2015.
3. Tara Brach, Radical Compassion, New York: Viking, 2019.
4. Oddbjørn Leirvik, Islams Etikk, Universitetsforlaget, 2002, p. 45.
5. Einar Berg, Islam: Fra konfilikt til dialog, Universitetsforlaget, 1982.
6. Nur 24:20; Nahl 16:47; Tawbah 9:128.
7. ar-Ragib al-Isfahani, al-Mufradat, p. 191; al-Jawhari, as-Sihah, V, 1929; al-Munjid, “rhm,” p. 253. Bukhari, Janaiz 32, Ayman 9, Tawhid 25; Muslim, Janaiz 9, 11; Abu Dawud, Janaiz 24.
8. Tirmidhi, Birr 16; Abu Dawud, Adab 58.
9. Imam Ghazali, Ihya-i Ulumi’d-Din, Edited by: Dr. Mehmet Yavuz Şeker, Işık Yayınları. 2015.
10. Ibid.
11. Bediuzzaman Said Nursi, Mektubat, Istanbul: Şahdamar Yayınları, 2014, p. 29.
12. www.herkul.org/kirik-testi/sefkatle-acilan-kapilar/
13. M. Fethullah Gülen, “İnanmış İnsanın Nitelikleri”, Çağlayan, Ağustos 2020.

Zainab believed, according to her religion Islam, that Allah, the loving Creator, prohibited certain actions to Muslims because those actions had the potential for the most harm. Gambling was one of the most destructive among them. So Zainab could not reconcile her father’s beloved status with the abominable act he was committing.

But, it was life, and her father did what many people do: rationalize the wrong he was doing when, in fact, the wrong he committed affected everyone in his life. It caused Zainab’s family to be dysfunctional and had a disastrous effect on her mother. This unhappiness rained down from the mother onto her children. And though Zainab’s parents tried their best to hide their shame and to protect their children from this wrong, they fought constantly in the house.

Many a night Zainab would hide at the top of the stairs silently cowering and listening, as the battle raged below over the gambled money-whether won or lost. Her home was a scary place that she forever associated with emotional turmoil. In Zainab’s home, the rights that were given to the children by their religion were violated each time she and her siblings were exposed to the wrong and the undeniable harm it caused. Her one thought was to grow up and get away from that house, from the confusion, the humiliation, and the pain.

About six months before he died, her father quit gambling. At the time of his death, Zainab was 25, and she had already succeeded in getting as far away from home as possible. She came back for her father’s funeral, went through all the motions, but she didn’t shed a single tear. She could never understand why because she had loved her father so deeply.

Five years after Zainab’s father died, she finally dreamt of him. In her dream, there was a room full of people crowding around the bottom of a long staircase, anticipating her dad’s arrival. He was delayed upstairs for some reason. Earlier in the day, Zainab had agonized over what to wear-just as she always did in real life-but she finally borrowed the perfect dress from her friend for this special occasion of seeing her dad after so many years of being apart. With the arising of a loud hum of excitement, she looked up to see her father slowly descending the stairs. He was pale and sickly looking, but he never said a word as he made his way through the crowd. He came directly to Zainab and took her in strong arms, hugging tightly. The desperation of the greeting alarmed her.

The next thing she knew, her father had some sort of convulsion and he vomited all over the front of her dress. She tried to push him away, thinking foolishly only of the borrowed dress, but he held her and pulled her closer. Zainab straightened her arms, trying in vain to get out of the embrace. But then her dad had another convulsion. He seemed to be weakening and leaning on her for support. Responding, Zainab finally gave in. Ignoring the ruination of her dress, she held his weakened body, making sure he didn’t fall. When she awoke, she was squeezing her wet pillow and sobbing hard. For over thirty years to come, she wondered about the meaning of that dream.

Then one day she was reading how practicing Jews fasted on the Day of Atonement (Yom Kippur) and asked God to forgive them their sins of the past year. It was interesting to learn that they must also ask for forgiveness from anyone they might have harmed. Thinking of the harm she had suffered as a child, Zainab suddenly realized the meaning of her dream: her dad had come to ask for her forgiveness. This revelation was really a shock to her. For so many years, she had held anger and resentment rightfully against her dad. Yet now, forgiveness was being asked of her.

In fact, her own religion Islam placed a great emphasis on seeking forgiveness from other people for the harms one might have caused them. So putting herself in her father’s shoes, Zainab could easily understand why he needed to free himself of this burden.

Zainab began her journey toward forgiveness by realizing how important it is to ask for forgiveness from Allah. It comforted her to know that one of the 99 names of Allah is the Most Forgiving (Al-Ghafur). A hadith qudsi (those words of Allah on the tongue of his prophet that are not part of the revelation of the Quran) reads as follows: “Oh son of Adam, were your sins so great as to reach the clouds of the sky, and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I would forgive you” (Al-Tirmidhi, Hadith). She dared to think that even she might be forgiven for her sins. Then she pondered: doesn’t everyone want their sins forgiven?

Still struggling to free herself from anger and resentment, Zainab sought the advice of a Christian friend who directed her to Paul’s letter to the Ephesians, in which he encouraged his readers to understand that as God has forgiven us, so we must also forgive one another. Paul’s words, like the hadith qudsi, described forgiveness as a gift from God.

These words strengthened Zainab’s belief in the Most Forgiving (Al-Ghafur), but forgiving another had never been easy for Zainab and granting forgiveness felt so much heavier than asking for it. But in this case, she wanted reconciliation more than anything. She wanted to feel her heart whole (not divided) again, as she did as a child. She wanted to forgive her dad… if only she could.

Then, one night, as Zainab was making a supplication, she felt the warmth of God’s love gripping her heart, and she heard herself whisper effortlessly, “I forgive you, Dad.” In that overwhelming moment, Zainab experienced forgiveness as both an act of giving and a gift from Allah. For Zainab, the greatest favor she had sought from Allah was forgiveness, and it brought her the peace and reconciliation that she had desired.

Mary Lahaj has a master’s degree from the Hartford Seminary in Islamic Studies and Christian/Muslim Relations. She is currently the first Muslim woman chaplain at Simmons College in Boston, an all girls’ undergraduate Liberal Arts College.

But you don’t know what she did to me! Why didn’t he remember our anniversary? Why weren’t my parents more loving? Sound familiar? Of course, because we have all faced these or similar problems.

Most of us grew up learning that we should try to forgive others. Dr. Luskin, director and co-founder of the Standard University Forgiveness Project, has conducted several studies on forgiveness as a source of various medical and health benefits as well.

He writes: Scientific research clearly shows that learning to forgive is good for one’s health and well-being good for mental health and according to recent data good for physical health as well gratitude, faith, and care have a positive impact on cardiovascular functioning Almost uniformly, the forgiveness studies show positive results in psychological and emotional well-being. People who are taught to forgive become less angry, more hopeful, less depressed, less anxious, less stressed, more confident, and they learn to like themselves more (pp. 77-78).

Dr. Luskin’s main point is that forgiving others helps us lead a more satisfying and fulfilling life. Each of us stores pain from unrealized goals, failed relationships, personal failures, and so on. Over time, it begins to take over our lives and thwart our quest for happiness.

His techniques rest on several foundations, among them identifying your grievance story, starting with the small hurts and working up to the big ones, practicing forgiveness, realizing that forgiveness does not necessarily involve reconciliation or acceptance, understanding that you are the only one suffering, and concluding that it is time to let go and move on.

Some of his techniques are the following:

– PERT (The Positive Emotion Refocusing Technique). Do we watch the Grievance Channel, home of such popular re-runs as I Had Rotten Parents, My Life Was Unfair, or My Parents Mistreated Me? Why are we not switching (recognizing and taking responsibility for our situation) to the Gratitude, Beauty, Forgiveness, or Love channels?

Other elements of PERT are the breath of thanks. Breathe in and out slowly, be aware that you are breathing, and give thanks that you can breathe and are alive. Then apply the heart focus, by bringing to mind a very positive memory and allow the associated feelings of peace and love to engulf you.

– Challenging unenforceable rules. As we cannot control everything and are imperfect, others will continue to disappoint us. Why get mad at them for being human? We are not perfect, so why should we expect them to be perfect? In short, we need to hope for something instead of demand something of others and ourselves.

– HEAL. Hope (for a specific outcome in a specific situation), Educate (limited control results in something unexpected), Affirm (reconnect to your goal by affirming your positive intention), and Long-term (make a long-term commitment to your long-range well-being).

Dr. Luskin recommends practicing these exercises several times a day in a secluded place. Set aside about 15 minutes for each session, and work toward becoming a forgiving person. Acknowledge your submerged anger and pain, decide how to deal with these negative feelings that are harming your emotional balance and physical health, remember how much better you felt the last time you forgave someone, and then do it. This will transform you into someone who finds it natural to forgive and thereby deprive others of their negative power over you.

In our agitated world of ever-rising expectations, this book is just what we need. As Dr. Luskin shows, a dose of realism and forgiving people’s imperfections will lead each of us toward a more fulfilling life. And isn’t that what we all want?

Human beings are likely to lean toward certain circumstances in life. Sometimes individuals are like fields of crops that bend with the wind; at other times they are like large trees that have fallen over and rise again, despite their outward dignity and strength. Individuals give the angels many reasons for envying them; unfortunately, they also do things that sometimes cause even the devils to feel shame.

Although not desired, human nature makes sin inevitable. Given this, forgiveness is everything.

However beneficial it is for us to ask for and expect forgiveness, to moan and groan for what has escaped us, forgiving is a much greater attribute and virtue. Forgiveness cannot be separated from virtue, just as virtue cannot be separated from forgiveness. There is a very common, yet very profound, saying: “Errors from the small, forgiveness from the great.” How well this is said! Being forgiven means being repaired, returning to an essence, and finding oneself again. Given this, the most pleasing action in the view of the Infinite Mercy is the one-seeking forgiveness-pursued amidst the palpitations of this return and search.

All of creation was introduced to forgiveness through humanity. Just as God showed His attribute of Forgiveness through us, He put the beauty of forgiving into our hearts. While Adam and Eve dealt a blow to their human essence through falling, which was somehow a requirement of their human nature, it was forgiveness that came from the Heavens in response to the remorse they felt in their consciences and pleadings.

For centuries, we have preserved this Divine gift received through the first couple as a hope and a consolation. Whenever we sin, we can mount on the magic transport of seeking forgiveness and surmount the shame and despair caused by sin. We attain to Infinite Mercy and show our generosity by covering our eyes to the sins of others.

Thanks to this hope of forgiveness, we can rise above the dark clouds invading our horizon and see light in this world. Those fortunate ones who are aware of the uplifting wings of forgiveness live amidst melodies that gladden their spirits.

Those who devote themselves to seeking forgiveness cannot help but think of forgiving others. Just as we like to be forgiven, we also like to forgive. How can we not forgive when we know that salvation from the fire of suffering in our inner worlds, caused by our own mistakes, is possible only by drinking from the river of forgiveness? And even more so, if we know that the road to being forgiven passes through forgiving?

Those who forgive are honored with forgiveness. Those who do not pardon cannot expect or desire to be pardoned. Those who close the road of tolerance are beasts who have lost their humanity. Such brutes, who have never felt inclined to take themselves to task for their sins, will never experience the high solace of forgiveness.

Jesus said to a crowd with rocks in their hands, as they were taking a sinner to be stoned: “Let one who has never sinned throw the first stone” (John 8:7) Can anyone who understands this binding, fine point even think of stoning someone else when there is already a head to be stoned-namely, his or her own? If only those unfortunate ones who spend their lives putting the lives of others to a litmus test could understand this!

It is true that a criminal deserving punishment will be punished. However, no one cannot say that there is a sentence for stoning those upon whom our malice and hatred have passed judgment. Unless we destroy the idol in our ego as courageously as Abraham did, we will never be able to make a correct decision in the name of our ego or in the name of others.

Forgiveness emerged with humanity and reached perfection through humanity. In this respect, we witness in the greatest people the greatest forgiveness and impeccable tolerance.

Malice and hatred are seeds of hell scattered in society by evil people. In contrast to those who encourage malice and hatred and turn the land into a pit of hell, we should run with forgiveness to rescue those who have uncountable troubles and are being pushed into the abyss. The excesses of those who do not forgive or show tolerance made the past one or two centuries the dirtiest and most unpleasant in history. It is impossible not to be chilled by the thought that these unfortunate ones may rule the future.

For this reason, the greatest gift today’s generation can give to its children and grandchildren is to teach them how to forgive even the crudest behavior and the most upsetting events. However, thinking of forgiving those monstrous, ill-natured people who enjoy making others suffer would involve showing disrespect to the very idea of forgiveness. As we have no right to forgive them, forgiving them would be showing disrespect to humanity. I do not believe that anyone would consider as acceptable an act that shows disrespect to forgiveness.

Members of a generation raised in an environment characterized by hostility always saw horror and brutality in the arenas of the dark world into which they were pushed. They saw blood and pus even at daybreak. What could be learned from a society whose voice, breath, thought, and smile were tainted with blood?

Everything presented to them was exactly opposite and contrary to what they needed and desired. Such people have assumed a second nature due to years of neglect and wrong suggestions, and the disorder and sedition they made has become a flood. If only at this moment we could understand them. Alas! Where is such insight?

Forgiveness and tolerance will heal most of our wounds, but only if this celestial instrument is in the hands of those who understand its language. Otherwise, the incorrect treatment we have used until now will create many complications and continue to confuse us.

Know the illness, then set out to treat it medically:
Do you think any ointment is a cure for any wound?
(Ziya Pasha)