As I sit and wait for my day of judgment,
I ponder the future.

Can I continue to live my life as I dream and desire?
Or will I remain doomed to a lifetime of cries
and days of gloom?

People say that I am arrogant and full of myself.
I say that if you really know me and my life,
you would understand the struggle that lies within my heart.

Living as I do, I have to be this way.
Not able to shed tears, for fear
that my moment of weakness will appear.
Trying to remain hard,
not to show my cards
so that I can have another day of happiness with my kids.

Learning how to be a mother and a woman above all,
and yearning for the life of a family: I so desperately need that.

But I have to put my past life behind me
and never look back.

I can’t live the past and feel peace within my heart,
because if the streets don’t wear me down,
the nightmares will tear me apart.

They say crying heals the soul.
I wonder how true that is.
I cry every night in hopes that I get my soul back.

This is a two-way street, so speak—
but I am sorry to say,
it can only go one way.

We can consider being actively involved in the service of God in relation to such motivations as finding present services as being insufficient, striving at one’s highest possible peak in competence and zeal, never losing heart or getting weary with the ideal of transforming the world into a paradise, and to remain steadfast in taking this mission to the end, as far as it goes. By saying “the end” we mean the horizon, which is the answer to the secret mentioned in the question, marked in the verse “(continue to) worship your Lord until what is certain (death) comes to you” (15:99). That is, to persevere in one’s servanthood to God as sincere and vivid as it can be till death comes round at last. Yes, leading this spirit till that day is a real and genuine activity and action. In both personal and social perspectives, if one is concerned with all their heart and soul of the duties and responsibilities that pertains to their servanthood to God, and contrives to perform them, it means that they have comprehended and practiced activities and action in the right way. In contrast, if people take up the issue in a single dimension and delve into services only in the material sense exclusive of the spirit of servanthood to God, their services will slide away leaving them empty-handed, even if they make their country the most prosperous in the world. Furthermore, even if these people save the world with a single move, but afterwards fall into the web of reliance on their good deeds, I would state at ease that whatever they have done will not be welcomed by the All-Truthful One.

Keeping this meaning and spirit alive depends on the following dynamics:

1. Engaging oneself in deep mental activity. Yes, the utmost flaw of us human beings is mostly that we live far away from and unaware of any sort of contemplation and analysis. Moreover, we lead a life with dead hearts, deprived of self-control.
2. Meditation on the reality of death (rabita al-mawt). That is, thinking about death incessantly and becoming free and easy with it; associating oneself every single day to prepare for the time of appointment with the angel of death. For this, hospitals should be regularly visited, and visitors should engage closely with the people staying there. Graveyards should also be frequented, for the ephemerality and the mortality of the world should be remembered by imagining oneself as decayed bones. Besides, one should strive to leave a work behind within the consideration that “people die, but their work shall remain behind.”
3. Not remaining separated from the blessings bestowed upon the collective consciousness. Sometimes a person may collapse in his or her inner world. This ruin can be restored by staying in the benevolent climate of one’s community. Our own eyes, ears, hands and feet may sometimes not be sufficient to overcome the negative atmosphere we happen to be in. In those times, we can attain a might beyond our own when we hold with the hands of our friends, see with their eyes, and hear with their ears.
4. Reading books to keep alive metaphysical tension. Yes, we can only attain the immense horizons of thought of the pioneers and of those numerous great figures modeling us in this way by reading their glorious life stories. And by doing this, we can save ourselves from the choking atmosphere of habituation and familiarity, and from the attractive beauties of the world.
5. Assuming a duty as responsible individuals in order to remain vivid and active in community service. In this way, one often comes together with like-minded individuals who aim to serve their community. They keep themselves busy with the outcomes of completed works, and with the consultation of those in the future; they sleep and wake up with those thoughts, and breathe service without being left inoperative even for a moment. And if they behave like this, God Almighty shall make fruitful their love and enthusiasm, as well as their activities and action. The Divine saying, “Whosoever approaches Me by one span, I will approach him by one cubit; and whosoever approaches Me by one cubit, I will approach him by one fathom, and whosoever comes to Me walking, I will go to him running” refers to this truth. The brave ones who have been shouldering such good works at such a time of difficulty should initially be aware of their values through contemplation, and then transcend the ephemerality and the mortality of the world through meditation on the reality of death, and even manifest the ways of genuine existence while still mortal by being among friends on the path of service. They shall be together with those friends everywhere and every time, at times of sorrow and happiness, and they will multiply up to thousands with their singularities.

Being the representatives of virtual loyalty, those chivalrous heroes of benevolence shall run to service with an overwhelming enthusiasm as if they reunite with the forerunners they have modeled and regarded as their guides and pioneers. With this motivation, they will fulfill one heroism after another and will realize a world heralded centuries ago.

May our Lord raise our generations with His glorious favor, benevolence and grace! May He fortify those of us in His service with His might on this path of tremendous struggle that exceeds our power! May He make this service abide with us and the generations to come! May He please those alive and those who have passed away by making faith in Him everlasting.

This attitude usually adds to the tyrant’s courage, makes the slanderer even more impudent and the assailant more outrageous. Still, I say to myself, “They are human too, and one day they will realize it and they will give up such impertinence.” This is perhaps wishful thinking or a misapprehension, but I prefer waiting for a blissful hour when everyone will come to reason and mercy. Filled with some bizarre supernatural expectations, I endeavor to soothe my exasperation and stand firm against the storms that challenge my lenience. I sometimes dive into a deep, silent introspection to escape my own realm of feelings. There are times when I feel sorry for myself in the face of some agonizing events, and I am troubled with a passing sensation that I am perhaps disrespecting myself while trying to be respectful to everyone else. But still, in spite of so many lies, fabrications, and devilish schemes, I turn to myself and say, “You have assumed trouble as your healing from the beginning; then what is this protest for? The one with teeth will certainly bite, and the one with claws will rip through; no one can change this as long as those who consider the truth to be with the powerful continue to exist. Be tolerant to everyone.” I bury my cries inside and pronounce my feelings with silent woes.

Indeed, it is impossible for people in my circumstances who share this way of thinking with me to act otherwise. First of all, we do not submit to the wicked ones, but “to the decree of fate we wholeheartedly submit our souls” (Bâkî). Secondly, we live in a time in which people in great numbers are locked onto hostility; today’s revenge-thirsty figures overshadow in ruthlessness the abominable tyrants of the past-so, tempering the atrocities in my heart does not change the reality. Many billow with the rage of pharaohs when they speak; their hatred and violence never abate and their hunger for blaze, destruction, slaughter, and extrajudicial execution is never satisfied. They raise their swords to the heavens like He-Man and scream, “I have the power!” The world all over echoes with the chorus of “Justice, freedom, democracy, civil rights,” but justice is desperate in the hands of crude power, freedom is leashed with the straps of slavery one over another, democracy is a freak in the hands of enforcers who interpret it capriciously. There is no one left who does not understand this, but those who have conducted decades-long abuses continue singing the same tune, as if they are unaware, with no sense of self-respect, and debasing their own social status. With no other occupation, sitting in sloth, they speak on behalf of rights, freedom, and democracy, while others who violate these values in broad day light utter the same words. These are words of magic invoked to earn status and esteem, and then circumvented to legitimize corruption and fraud. Oppressors rely on them when they oppress some people while favoring whoever they favor. These are the words offered as legitimate governments around the world are interfered with and countries are invaded. “Bringing prosperity” is a pretext for shedding blood and dishonoring others. With the same excuse, murders are committed, killings are left unsolved, people are tyrannized, free speech is censored, privacy is violated, religious persuasions are harassed, unthinkable profanity and what is forbidden are replete and promoted; civil rights and justice are frequently pointed to, but are trodden down at the same time.

Nowadays, I am observing all these horrors and calamities through my narrow vision, and I mumble, “O Lord, how forbearing you are! You continue to grant respite to the perpetrators who are responsible for all this violence, oppression, and degradation of rights, freedom, and democracy. Absolute might and power belong to God.” And then I bury myself in a silence of astonishment and amazement (dahsha and hayra) , which I feel has become part of my nature. Absolute silence in the face of injustice, tyranny, and violation of rights is no different than glorifying Satan and is condemned in a Prophetic tradition. Indeed, believers never remain in absolute silence; if their hands are tied, they speak out; if they are gagged, they reveal their fervor with overflowing gestures; if they are ostracized completely from society, they expand with palpitations as if they had a volcano heaving inside. If their internal explosions could be unveiled, we would witness bolts of lightning issuing from their hearts and chill from their claps of thunder.

Their quiet stance arises from their subtle refinement and vast compassion which would not disdain even an ant, from their philosophy of security and trust, respect for human values, mercy toward everyone, and from relying on God in all matters. First and foremost, they are people of fine balance. Even when the most horrific waves of unrest beat the shores of their hearts, they behave with the utmost moderation and prudence. They never act unwisely like a child whose imagination outweighs his reason and comprehension, who blabs everything that crosses his mind without a moment’s thought, who is concerned with accountability only after destroying everything with his words and actions and seeks excuses for the destruction he has caused. They are always aware of their position, of what they do and say, and act with discretion in the balance between their hearts and minds. When they are granted the opportunity, they pronounce universal human values; when they have to remain silent, they act out these values with fervor, keep up their prayers and invocations, observe with compassion, and smile on everyone. They are never upset by their fate, nor do they complain to others as if dissatisfied with God Almighty. On the contrary, they question their own selves and seek their own faults. They bury their sorrows in their chests and do not mention them to those who are unable to comprehend; not a word of discomfort can be released from their mouths even though they may burn like an oven on the inside. They die and come back to life, but never do they disclose this to anyone.

No one can know completely what a burning mass of white-hot embers they actually are; others consider these special people no different than themselves. Yet, if their belief, demeanor, and selfless spirits that are devoted to making others live were to allow them to roar out their internal fervor, all the crows would immediately hush and look for a hidden corner to take refuge in, while all the bats would retreat back into their dark caves and descend into silent introspection. True believers are men and women of trust and security who show the utmost care in performing what their true character necessitates. They never hurt others, even though they may be hurt; nor do they cause pain, even if they are tortured.

In fact, their spiritual realm is replete with portraits of sorrow, each more horrifying than the last, that exist side by side with their feverish passion to relieve society of its ailments. Their palpitations and pains last forever with constant brainstorming and attempts at revival. The eternal verses of their hearts or, more truly, their silent cries, are a call to the light with a commitment to illumination as opposed to darkness. One line of the poem drops from their lips in grief, while the next inspires revivification. Their indignation and enthusiasm reveal signs of all this incessant internal turmoil.

Indeed, this has been the kind of life we have always sought, or perhaps we have been forced to live in this way. Fervor and sorrow have been our fate and in fact what we have also demanded. We have considered living for our own sake as selfishness, an attitude we have always abhorred. The motto “So others may live” and wishing eternal happiness for all have been our passion. This passion is so intense that if it were at all possible to come back to this life after death and we were given the right to choose, we would still prefer others’ lives to our own. The true horizons of humanity we would fix our direction towards; thoughts of revival we would breathe with; degradations we would close our eyes to; fuss about fundamentalism we would not be deceived by; those who come forward with slanders, calumnies, and accusations we would not be upset by or despair at; unrelenting violations and attacks of the severest kind we would bury in our chests; when it hurts inside, we would still manage to smile; when the magma inside erupts, we would suppress our exasperation so that no one is hurt or disturbed; and we would always display the privilege of being human.

I feel that those who think we remain in total passive silence and those who think we are involved in some kind of “activism” are all wrong. We are never absolutely still-anguish and hope, enduring everything, and striving for survival, all coexist in the depths of our souls. We may sometimes lose spirit, but never to a level of termination for good. Even if only with half of a voice or a breath, a quarter of a pain or palpitation, our hearts are like a brazier with embers always burning inside. Our faith constantly whispers new sentiments to us, and our conscience plays tunes of all kinds. Nevertheless, those who are of not the same persuasion or ideals as us cannot hear any of these melodies nor can they comprehend any of these sentiments.

Personally, every time I think of this agitation and fervor, I tremble as I visualize innocent people who have been victims of deadly imprisonment, maddening persecution, and merciless hounding, and whose words were stuck in their throats, words they wanted to utter but could not, so they were choked almost to the point of death. Who knows what beautiful things they would have said. The ignorant who did not know, even worse, those who did not know that they did not know, and the worst of all, who thought they knew even though they did not, used all available means to prevent those innocent people from expressing themselves; they would never allow them to do so, for if they did, people would understand how bereft of ideas and knowledge are those persecutors. In the words of Akif, the miserable oppressors “do not look to the East, nor are aware of the West, nor have any share of good conduct / All they have as capital is a face that cannot blush and eyes that cannot water!” If they did allow the innocent to speak up, those who can reason would comprehend all these matters and discover the true identities of some of these ignorant ones who tie justice to power and resort to despotism, whose assets are no more than yelling, and who try to catch fish in muddy water. Then, all the wretched souls who fight against common sense with dialectic and demagogy would topple one by one, their false candles would blow out, and those who have been deceived would not be tricked any more. All this would end in the collapse of those who want to rule the world with crude power, and I do not think they would ever acquiesce to that. In any case, we end up with the fact that today some people are gagged, while many others remain indifferent.

Those who cannot express themselves today in one way or another, will certainly voice their internal vibrations and pain, be it merely in their comportment; in return for their gulping down their words with palpitations today, they will recite the best poems of silence when the day comes. Who knows, perhaps then many rude and cruel characters who have forgotten true humane values like compassion, mercy, and justice for several centuries now, will unexpectedly melt down and turn into whatever being truly human demands.

So, let tyranny enjoy itself for a bit longer; let civil rights and justice be trodden on; let the innocent moan with pain; let the wronged strive to voice their grievance; and let hearts breathe with grief and fervor, hoping for a blissful hour in which the All-Powerful will speak. For us, if it is a matter of time serving our time of trial and lamentation, then, as in the words of Faik Ali, “There are songs yet unfinished / Anticipation moans in their silence,” there is still need for more quiet lament, after which perhaps the spring will rise.

Love is the most essential component, most vivid light, and greatest power in every living creature. It can defeat any enemy.

Loveless spirits have no chance to become fully human. Even if they lived for hundreds of years, they would go no further than an infant in terms of maturity. Such love-deprived people can neither love others nor feel or sense love, and so remain trapped in their egos’ dark mazes unaware of the love cherished in creation’s heart.

The first thing all infants encounter is love. They sense the spirit of compassion and grow by leaning on hearts beating with love. Later on they may or may not find this love again, even though they search for and run after it constantly.

The sun’s face bears the marks of love. Water vapor rises toward that love, flies due to that love’s power, and then falls on the beloved Earth. All flowers smile at passers-by with that same love. The dew on the leaves twinkles and dances with love, while all animals and birds twitter together in a great choir of love.

Every creature tries to show and express a piece of this encompassing love through its perfectly composed and magnificent symphony.

Caring for others and sometimes living for others, very virtuous human qualities to which all should aspire, are the results of love. The greatest heroes are those who have a larger share of love in, as well as those who have removed hatred and malice from, their hearts.

The shortest way to conquer people’s hearts is that of love, the way followed by all Prophets. No door remains closed to such people. Even if it were possible that some doors might remain shut, thousands of others would be open on the other side. And if one could enter a heart through this way of love, every issue would be resolved successfully.

How fortunate are those who walk under the guidance of love, and how unfortunate are those who live blind and deaf to the love in their own spirits.