Question: While sayings of Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, counsel against condemning believers to shame, despising them, and disclosing their faults, they also enjoin not remaining silent and unresponsive before oppression and evil. How is a believer supposed to achieve this balance?

In our previous issue we commented on not subjecting people to shame or scorn, as well as the importance of forgiving their faults. It is important to stress that we do not believe that it is acceptable to remain silent and passive when confronted with mistakes and wrongdoing, and to not take any action against them. “Commending good and preventing evil” is an important responsibility for believers if we take into account the following verse “You are the best community ever brought forth for (the good of) mankind, enjoining and promoting what is right and good and forbidding and trying to prevent evil, and (this you do because) you believe in God” (Al Imran 3/110), it is seen that being a part of the best community, or the one with the most goodness, is dependent upon this fact. Additionally, the noble Prophet ordered a present evil to be eliminated by direct intervention, and if this was not possible then by making verbal warnings, and if this was not possible either then by taking an attitude against it in one’s heart at least (Muslim, Iman 78; Tirmidhi, Fitan 11).

Trying to stop people from committing evil and enjoining them to engage in good behavior is one of the essential attributes of a believer. However, the method, style, and system to be followed in this respect are very important. Such an act cannot be done by embarrassing people and making them turn their faces away in shame. This will make matters worse, particularly so when certain matters rejected in religion such as lying, slander, and libel are also involved in the issue. What really matters here is making hearts genuinely feel the goodness of what is stated as good, and the darkness of what is stated as bad; namely, convincing people that the acts in question are good or bad (respectively), and making them re-orient themselves accordingly. Otherwise, without taking the other person’s condition into consideration, determining the correct manner, or thinking about which method to follow, an unwise approach such as “I say and tell what I believe and do not care about any other factors” has nothing to do with the religious teaching of “commending good and preventing evil.”

If we view the life of the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh), we find many examples of the points mentioned. For example, he counseled repentance to his companion Maiz who had committed fornication when he came to him and confessed his sin, saying that there is no sin God will not forgive. Although he turned Maiz down four times, the noble Prophet had to enforce the legal ruling upon the insistence of Maiz. However, he told people to ask for forgiveness for Maiz and pointed out that he had repented in such a way that if his repentance were to be distributed to the all people throughout the earth then it would suffice to purify everyone (Muslim, Hudud 22; Abu Dawud, Hudud, 24, 25). Thus, the Pride of Humanity prevented his community from continuing to hold a negative opinion about Maiz, for he wished Maiz to be remembered not as a sinner but as a person who was absolved from his sin and who had passed onto God’s divine presence in a purified state.

The noble Prophet neither put anybody to shame nor embarrassed anybody by mentioning their fault to them throughout his exemplary life. It is not possible to find examples in his life where he revealed people’s faults, treating fallen ones with contempt, or responded to evil with evil. On the contrary, he urged believers not to spy into others’ private issues. He always counseled covering faults and his entire life was permeated with forgiveness and tolerance. He made the following address to the people of Mecca, who had inflicted every kind of torment and suffering onto him, after him and his community peacefully took over the city: “No reproach this day shall be on you. Go now, all of you are free.” This mildness and magnanimity of his was one of the most important factors that conquered hearts and got people to enter Islam in droves.

If he had noticed a shortcoming of one of his Companions, he would never reveal it in an embarrassing way. He addressed such shortcomings during his public sermons without pointing the finger at that person, and he ensured that the person concerned also received a share from the teaching. Even in situations of meeting serious opposition where some were in a mood of disobedience, he would gather his Companions to make a general sermon that would not incriminate any one person. Hence, problems were solved without hurting and breaking the heart of anyone, without disgracing them, and without letting any grudge and rage be involved in the issue.

In this regard, it is very important, particularly for people who are at the forefront of dialogue and discourse with others, to undertake certain responsibilities. It is critical to know the people in your company and to not remain indifferent to their mistakes. A teacher must know the general situation of their students; in fact, it is an important aspect of their duty and responsibility. Their goals should be to treat everybody humanely, not to break anyone’s heart, and to try to eliminate evil in the most appropriate way. In other words, while eliminating evils as well, a believer is supposed to act in a way that reflects this character while remaining loyal to the path of the Prophet.

A manner appropriate for each person in question needs to be determined for the sake of not breaking anyone’s heart and not letting any problems escalate further, and each case should be taken into consideration separately as no two people are ever truly identical. Instead of giving an immediate reaction when faced with problems, and talking about them here and there, we must definitely mull over the subject and try to find the most appropriate solution. If you deal with matters in a crude and careless fashion and are as blunt as a kick in the shins, then you may risk hurting people and pushing them away from you. It should not be forgotten that the task of spiritual counsel and guidance requires expertise and sensibility. In a way, we can view it as a task that is best carried out by qualified and learned people.

It should also be known that problems may not always be sorted out by talking. In some situations, speaking over some problems might cause the crisis to get worse. As the saying goes, “a believer’s speaking should be wisdom and their silence should be reflection.” We should speak if we are to say words of wisdom. If this is not the case then we should keep silent and wait for the appropriate time. There are certain conditions where one needs to stop and think, for wisdom develops in the seedbed of deliberation. Otherwise, the blurting out of casual remarks will only produce noise. Just as we know the appropriate time to talk, we similarly need to know when to show patience and wait.

Self-interrogation

In one of his sayings, the noble Prophet stated that every child of Adam errs but the best of those who err are those who repent (Tirmidhi, Qiyamah, 49; Ibn Majah, Zuhd 30) and thus pointed out that human nature is prone to mistakes and sins. Accordingly, some give their willpower its due and narrow down this gap or totally eliminate it, whereas some do not succeed sufficiently in this respect. What matters here is that after experiencing a spiritual stumble, or perhaps even a fall, we work to straighten ourselves up right away and be purified in the washbasin of repentance.

Yes, everyone can fall. However, immediately walking out on, speaking negatively about, and putting to shame a person who is undergoing a spiritual relapse never comply with the virtuous conduct expected in religion nor with the path of the noble Prophet. Instead of busying ourselves with others’ faults we should be concerned with noticing our own faults and busying ourselves with setting those aright because those who cannot see their own mistakes keep looking for faults in others. A person who is fully concentrated on perfecting themself will be much less focused with the faults of others.

Before throwing a stone at someone, we need to take a look at ourselves first. And if we also have similar faults, then we should fear that such a stone may recoil and hit our own head. It is narrated that our master Messiah said the following in an address to a crowd preparing to stone someone to death for punishment: “Let one who is without sin among you throw the first stone…” Naturally, everybody gently lowered the stones in their hands to the ground.

The fact that people do not care about such matters at all and speak about others’ faults and sins in public does not serve as an excuse for us to behave in a similar manner. Even if the entire world engages in such sinful behavior it still does not justify joining them. As it is expressed in a Turkish proverb, “every sheep is hung from its own leg.” Asserting excuses such as “everybody was talking in this manner and I just followed their way” has no validity whatsoever on the Day of Judgment. As it is stated in the verse meaning, “And no soul, as bearer of burden, bears (and is made to bear) the burden of another” (Fatir 35:18) everybody remains alone with the burden of his or her own sins. And if someone defame others with spoken or written statements, that person will also be burdened with the sins caused by those statements, along with other personal sins.

Rather than being crushed under the weight of such sins in the Afterlife, taking our tongue under control while we can in this world and thus not giving way to such very hard to repair problems from the beginning is the wisest way. A person needs to also be careful about the feelings and thoughts that they may hold about other believers in the first place and should work to keep them pure, for what pours from the tongue are simply our thoughts. A person who is focused on the mistakes of others and continually mulls over them in their mind will firstly speak within about these with the inner voice, and then spill them out to others.

A person who is continually busy with others’ faults and speaks about these will definitely deserve punishment in the Hereafter on account of sins such as spying into others’ private affairs, holding negative assumptions, backbiting, and lashing out with insults. It is not possible for such a person to find comfort in this world as well. For a person who pollutes his or her brain neurons with what others did and who keeps talking about these filthy issues all the time, all of those things will turn into a torment.

With so many expectations and obligations in our lives, it is a surprise we are not all insane. Dr. Brené Brown of the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work program is a shame resilience researcher, learning how people deal with issues like those above that can trigger feelings of shame, negatively impacting our relationships and ability to function. She has published three books covering the topic of shame and shame resilience. Dr. Brown has been gaining attention in recent years as she has appeared on CNN, NPR, PBS, and the internet video site TED. The topic may seem unusual, but the research has far-reaching implications, widely applicable beyond the social work field. Everyone experiences shame, and overcoming shame is necessary to function, instead of being held back and isolated by shame. Responding in a constructive, shame-minimizing way by working through shame issues is what Dr. Brown calls living in a more “whole-hearted” and “authentic” way.

Researching people

Social sciences have different methods of researching, and Dr. Brown used the grounded theory, a method which allows qualitative data, and inductive and deductive reasoning to gather data without having a hypothesis to start with. Using the grounded theory method, consensus from individual interviews was taken based on the language and terms they used to describe their experiences, “and maybe stories are just data with a soul,” posits Dr. Brown in her TED talk. Dr. Brown decided she wanted to study shame, and so she did so without any of her own theories to start. She just had the questions: What is shame and how does it work? According to Robert Hilliker, a licensed counselor, former student, and collaborator of Dr. Brown’s, she has gathered over 11,000 interviews with people, investigating their shame experiences and where applicable, their shame resilience.

Owning our own story can be hard, but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it.

Dr. Brown found that some of the people she interviewed showed impressive resilience to shaming experiences. She focused in on these people and studied what made them resilient to the effects of shame. The people were dubbed, “the whole-hearted.”

How shame works

The positive side of shame research is that there are tools to combat the feeling and the experience of shame, and to make our everyday lives less like shame minefields and more like a day at the office, picking up the kids, going to the grocery store, and making friends along the way. Simple exchanges with fellow parents or children, with bosses or teachers, spouses, friends, and acquaintances can easily turn into huge triggers for shameful feelings. When a weak spot is hit, a mistake is made, an accident happens, or someone runs late, short exchanges can become terse and tense, full of hidden meaning and innuendo, implied or imagined incompetence and inadequacy.

Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky, but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy–the experiences that make us most vulnerable Whether a situation goes smoothly or blows up in someone’s face has a lot to do with his or her shame triggers, something everyone has. Detailed in I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power, social and family situations can become nightmares when our lives are ruled by shame. For people that cannot deal with their shame (everyone to some extent, according to Dr. Brown) the options are limited: numbing the feelings of shame and fear through addictions, attempting to become “invulnerable” through perfectionism, making the uncertain certain by becoming dogmatic, and pretending that our actions do not hurt others. But these negative actions do harm others, and they break down our connections to others.

How whole-heartedness works

Even more exciting than learning that shame is universal and awful was that there are strengths that can be cultivated to overcome shame. The title of Dr. Brown’s second book says it all: The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. The main components of whole-hearted living were courage, compassion, and connection. Being authentic requires accepting ourselves for who we are and living that truthfully. “Owning our own story can be hard but not nearly as difficult spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy–the experiences that make us most vulnerable,” says Dr. Brown in her book.

There are so many ways to apply such a broadly useful set of concepts, especially for a person of faith. The “guideposts” in The Gifts of Imperfection evoke many concepts from holy books. “Cultivating Authenticity: Letting Go of What People Think” calls to mind the story of Prophet Noah, who everyone thought was crazy as he built an ark. The chapter on cultivating gratitude and joy clearly connects to faith. Dr. Brown’s perspective on gratitude is especially relevant to modern life: “For me and for many of us, our first waking thought of the day is ‘I didn’t get enough sleep.’ … Whether true or not, that thought of not enough occurs to us automatically before we even think to question or examine it …”

As I read this passage, it makes total sense to me why we’re a nation hungry for more joy: Because we’re starving from a lack of gratitude.

Opportunities for growth

Dr. Brown and counselor-protégé Robert Hilliker have developed a curriculum called Connections which covers many of the concepts from her books and research. They are also developing a certification program for counseling professionals such as social workers and clergy who would like training.

“Spiritual leadership has a responsibility to make faith communities safe and supportive … We actually train spiritual leaders in the curriculum,” says Hilliker. “[Shame resilience] would be a wonderful thing for faith book clubs to sort of rally around … Her work has really reached a tipping point where people are talking about shame, this very pervasive feeling that everybody has and few people deal with well,” he says. Such a common feeling that can be very debilitating may not be the most cheerful topic of conversation, but learning to deal with shame may be one of the most liberating acts in a person’s life. To learn more, please visit: http://www.connectionscertification.com/.

Dr. Brené Brown, from her website.

Defining Some Broad Terms

Shame is simply defined as the fear of disconnection, that a person will be rejected when he or she becomes vulnerable.

Courage from the Latin cor, originally (and by Brené Brown) meant to speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.

Compassion, defined as deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it, starts with self-compassion according to the shame-resilience research.

Connection is defined as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.

Faith is a place of mystery, where we find the courage to believe in what we cannot see and the strength to let go of our fear of uncertainty.

In the light of the explanations above, modesty can be divided into two categories: an innate or instinctive feeling of shame, which prevent people from engaging in what is considered shameful and indecent, and modesty originating in belief, which constitutes an important, deep dimension of Islam.

Combining the instinctive feeling of shame with modesty based on Islam forms the greatest safeguard against shameful or indecent acts. Alone, each one may be diminished or utterly lost. If this innate feeling of shame is not combined with awareness coming from belief and expressed in verses like: Does he not know that God sees (all things)? (96:14) and consciousness of God’s constant oversight: God is ever watching over you (4:1), it cannot last long, for its endurance depends on belief. This essential relation between modesty and belief was expressed by God’s Messenger, who told a Companion after hearing his advice on modesty to another man: “Leave him, for modesty comes from belief.” He also said: “Belief has seventy or so divisions. Modesty is a division of belief.”

We may conclude from these Prophetic sayings that like other seeds of innate virtues, one’s natural feeling of shame develops to the extent it is strengthened with the forces and means that produce knowledge of God. It then becomes a dimension of one’s spiritual life, an obstacle against the carnal self’s excessive desires. If this feeling is not reinforced and developed with belief and knowledge of God or strengthened with consciousness of God’s constant oversight, and left to dissipate in sensual or carnal pleasure, one will witness in an individual or a community those indecencies and perversions that make anyone truly human ashamed of being human. The glory of mankind and the perfect example of modesty, upon him be peace and blessings, said: “If you have no modesty, do whatever you wish.”

The words haya (modesty or feeling of shame) and hayat (life) come from the same root. This signifies that modesty is a sign of a lively heart, and that a heart’s liveliness depends on its owner’s belief and knowledge of God. If a heart is not fed continuously with belief and knowledge of God, it is almost impossible for it to remain lively and give rise to modesty.

According to Junayd al-Baghdadi, haya means awareness of God’s bestowed material and immaterial bounties, and consciousness of personal defects and faults. Dhu al-Nun al-Misri holds that haya means that one constantly feels shame in his or her heart on account of personal sins and offenses, and is therefore careful about his or her actions. Another spiritual master defines haya as never forgetting how God treats one and ordering one’s life according to the fact that God sees all that is done and thought.

It is recorded in al-Qushayri’s Al-Risala that God declares: “O son of Adam! So long as you maintain your modesty and feeling of shame before Me, I make people forget your defects.” The Lord of Might and Dignity also said to Jesus, upon him be peace: “O Jesus, first advise your own selfhood. If it accepts your advice, then you may advise others, or else you must feel ashamed of yourself before Me.”

Some have mentioned different categories of modesty or shame. For example, the shame or modesty felt by:

– Adam, who felt guilty until he was forgiven.

– Angels for their heartfelt incapacity to give due worship to God, as expressed in their saying: “Glory be to You! We are unable to worship You as Your worship requires,” although they glorify Him day and night without stopping.

– Gnostics or those distinguished with knowledge of God in the face of His Majesty, despite their profound knowledge of Him, which they express as: “Glory be to You! We are unable to know You as Your knowledge requires.”

– The spiritually advanced when in awe of God, although they never give in to their carnal desires and ambitions.

– Those distinguished with utmost conviction of God because of their supposed distance from Him, although they always feel His infinite nearness despite the infinite distance of humanity from God Almighty.

– Lovers of God who feel disloyalty arising from their anxiety over not being able to love God as His love requires.

– Those who feel a lack of sufficient sincerity and do not know for what they must pray to God.

– Those exalted ones who are conscious of the fact that they, as human beings, have been honored with the fairest creation, because of the base acts of which they accuse themselves and which, according to them, are irreconcilable with being part of the fairest creation.

The first degree of modesty is to see oneself with the sight of God. That is, the person practices self-control or self-supervision according to God’s standards. This practice engenders a feeling of shame or modesty that produces extreme caution in thoughts and acts. Such a degree of modesty is found in people considered lively on account of their feelings and thoughts.

The second degree is proportional to one’s awareness of nearness to God, and the feeling of always being in His Presence. This can be experienced by those who are always conscious of the meaning of: He is with you wherever you may be (57:4), about which the Prophet, upon him be peace and blessings, said:

“Be as modest before God Almighty, as the necessity of being modest before Him requires. Let him who is blessed with this degree of modesty always control his mind and its contents, as well as his stomach and its contents. Let him always remember death and decay after it. One who desires the afterlife will renounce the adornments of the world. One who is able to do that can feel as much modesty before God as the necessity of being modest before Him requires.”

One can reach the third degree by deeply feeling the absolute Divine disposal of all things, by living a life of profound spirituality in pursuit of the final destination: And in your Lord is the final goal (53:42). The effort to reach this final goal continues throughout a whole life dedicated to following the path to Him.

One’s degree of modesty determines one’s true humanness. If a traveler cannot order his or her life and discipline his or her acts according to the demands of the eternal life and to live in utmost humility and modesty, then his or her existence is a personal shame and a burden to others, as stated in the following couplet:

By God, there is good neither in life
Nor in the world when modesty disappears.

Modesty is a Divine quality and mystery. If people knew to whom it essentially relates, they would act more carefully and sensitively. To illuminate this point, it is related that

God Almighty asks an old man on the Plain of Resurrection to account for his acts in the world: “Why did you commit such and such sins?” The old man denies that he had done so. So, the Most Compassionate of the Compassionate commands the angels: “Take him to Paradise.” The angels want to know why the Almighty has commanded so, although He knows that the old man committed those sins. The Almighty answers: “I know, but I looked at his white beard as one belonging to the Community of Muhammad and felt ashamed to tell him that I knew he was lying.”

As recorded in Kanz al-’Ummal, when the Archangel Gabriel told this to God’s Messenger, upon him be peace and blessings, the Messenger’s eyes filled with tears and he said regretfully:

“God Almighty feels ashamed to punish those of my Community whose beards have turned white, but those of my Community with white beards do not feel ashamed to commit sins.”

To sum up:

Hayiy (All-Modest) is one of the Divine Names,
So strive and acquire modesty.